Jess Grows Wings
Part II
My dear cousin answered these questions impeccably. Sincerely. I am so grateful that she took the time to reflect as her semester abroad in Oxford comes to its inevitable end. Her answers spark within me a great deal of happiness and hope and pride. I see so much of myself in this bright button. And I think you will, too. Read on, amigos.
1. What have you learned about America in your time abroad?
I have learned a lot about America… or a lot about what people think about America. It’s all sweeping generalities and blanket generalizations, and I’ve made it my own personal mission to prove all the negative ones wrong. Being a film major, they talk crap on Hollywood and “big money” all of the time. The problem I have with it is… I don’t believe adding money to art takes away any of the quality. I think we all have to make money and support ourselves, why not do it with something we love? If that means needing to make movies that will make a lot of money, then why the hell not? People spend money on things they like — if art is liked and appreciated, that should be celebrated. I digress.
2. How has this trip changed Jess today? How about Jess 5 years from now?
I’ve changed in weird ways. One that I keep thinking about, that has affected basically my entire day… okay, this is lame, specific, and probably very vain, but I don’t have a full-length mirror here (this flat is tiny and dingy and lacking, but perfect), and I have really only seen my face and top half of my torso for most of the last 4 months. Not being able to stand and analyze the curves of my body to see if they are “up to par” in my skinny jeans has been SO NICE. Such a relief. I just rock up to things in whatever British-grunge trend I want to try each day and it feels great. I’ve gotten my confidence back. I over-analyze most things in life, so not being able to do so in the mirror was freeing.
Jess in 5 years will not be ready to settle in any specific place in any specific way… This is something that I’ve been working through for the past year or so — I have always been the person who thought they’d settle down with a dude and have babies really early and you know, all of that stuff… When I was in Missouri, that’s what all my friends were/are doing. Literally all of them except for two. So coming here, my confidence was down, my ideas of my future were bleak, etc… but in Europe, and well, basically everywhere “Western” except America, the idea of needing to be married before 25 and kids before 27 is BONKERS (for lack of a better word + I just love that word). I explained to my Australian friend, Jess, that most of my friends were settling down at and before 21. She was shocked. Everyone here is exactly where I am. Some of them are 25, and just now finishing their second year at University. It’s SO REFRESHING. I DO NOT need to know what I am doing and I most definitely DO NOT need to be “settling down” (whatever that means) anytime soon. THANK GOD FOR NEW PERSPECTIVES.
3. How have you grown as a person in living so far from “home”?
I literally don’t even know where to start with these questions. So good. Being far from home was hard. I missed moments and the chance to be there for people. I think my growing really went in different ways. Basically, I don’t even have a grasp or concept of what I’ve done/am doing. I head back to Springfield, Missouri on May 25th , and I’ve just spent 4 months in a foreign country, when I had never even left the U.S. before… I think that alone shows me that the Jess of today is a lot more brave than the Jess before. Although, ordering food still gives me anxiety, ugh.
4. Has your perspective on “home” changed?
Home is honestly still the place I will always feel the most comfortable. But comfortable and conformity go hand in hand at this point. I’ve become exactly like everyone I live with and interact with in Missouri. Getting away from that for a while has let me grow. I don’t really know how well I’ll fit back into that box when I get home. That scares me a little bit.
5. Think about yourself 5 years ago. How would you measure your personal growth?
Jess 5 years ago was a lot like Jess today. I still feel like I’m 16. I don’t even know what I want out of life and still hope that I’ll become YouTube famous or marry Zac Efron. Jess has been and will always be a dreamer, but I guess Jess of today pushed herself a little harder than she had before. I’ve never really been pushed in my life. I’ve had to learn how to do that for myself. Also Jess of today is really starting to enjoy this talking in third person thing.
6. Dream “profession”? Why?
My dream profession is to work as a live television producer (specifically for the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, LOLZ). But… my childhood/secret dream job is to be the lead singer of a hip indie band that opens up for Coldplay and jams with each other late at night while sipping Somersby, but beggars can’t be choosers, amirite?
7. Are you bothered by that question? Sometimes I am.
I’m not really bothered by the question of dream profession. I like talking about my plans because it reminds me that life isn’t about having the best Spotify playlists, and that I actually have to make real goals… *gags, cries*
8. Music, am I right? What are you listening to as of late?
MUSIC. I could literally talk about music for my whole life. It makes me cry from excitement, this question. THANK YOU FOR ASKING, KARA. Here we go… I am listening to: “Lost in the Light” by Bahamas, “Don’t Wanna’ Be Your Girl” by Wet, all of Kodaline’s new album, “Colour Me In” by Damien Rice, “Elevate” by St. Lucia (because I can dance to dat shit), “England” by The National (because that song is super fitting to life as-of-late), Colony House has some fun tunes that are like a mix of Imagine Dragons and Young the Giant, hmmm what else? All of the music from the TV show “Nashville” and finally this killer song by a band called Dwntwn, I think it’s called “Heroine?” I could go on and on, YIKES.
9. When you hit a wall or find yourself in a shoddy mood, what is your mantra or how do you get out of it?
Honestly I hit walls all the time. No mantra needed, words are usually my enemy when I’m thinking too much. Usually I put my headphones on and have a good cry. Or take out my journal and write out a prayer. God has gotten me through most of those moments. I always seem to find a glimmer of light, and I give him the credit for those life-raft-type-moments of clarity. My grandpa told me once he would always see me lose my way, or go off the rails (emotionally), but I always managed to find my center again, on my own. I think that’s one of my favorite things he’s ever told me. (I love hearing about myself, haaa)
10. What does “growing up” look like? What do you think it feels like?
Growing up? I never want to grow up. Even when I’m 55, I want to ride bikes and dance alone in my bedroom. I will always feel like I’m 16 and lost and in love with the coolest guy in school. No, but honestly, my version of growing up… My version of growing up (hopefully) will look like me getting to a place where I can confidently say what I want, and confidently and unapologetically go after it.
11. Where are your largest insecurities? (After listing them… Why are they the silliest things ever? ‘Cuz you’re clearly the most awesome.)
My insecurities? I am not coherent. Words don’t come out the way I want them to. I’m not articulate, basically. I’ve also noticed a lot lately that I am indecisive and I usually let other people make decisions for me. I often “go with the flow” to the point of having literally no say at all in what I want. I never ask myself that.
I’m insecure about my future, too. Because I’m insecure about my ability to work in a high-stakes-work-environment and have duties and someone to answer to. Gosh, it scares me. I don’t really think I could work under someone. They wouldn’t understand that it takes me a good 15 minutes to work out instructions that I’ve been told and that I am also a perfectionist to the point of just quitting and giving up because “my vision” will never be reached. I never finish anything. Oh, the insecurities. One leads to another. Stream of consciousness answers here, I apologize.
But these are all fine because my friends think I’m funny and it makes for some pretty laughable moments, even if I’m just laughing at myself.
12. List three things you love about yourself, dear cousin.
I think I have great hair. It’s very long and thick and I like to hide behind it and also use it as a weapon or a sweater. I’m kind. I work every day to be kind. I think I’m a good listener. I think my shower vocals are on point. I also think my ability to encourage is my best and strongest quality. I always want to do my best to lift people up. Yeah so I’m really great, I swear.
