The Battle Inside

September 20, 2016 8:48 P.M., Writing this, I do not know whether I will be publishing this piece or not. That being said, if you’re reading this, I gained the courage to post this and I accept any consequences which will come my way because of it. Cheers!

I don’t think people realize how simple life honestly is. Life is truly what you make of it, not what you are given; you get out of it exactly what you put in. Implementing positivity and kindness into your life will never do anything but improve it. I’ve taught myself to always be positive and do the best I can with what I’ve got. However, sometimes people will not like you, sometimes people will treat you like trash, and sometimes shit just happens, and it’s not necessarily your fault.

This article is about one woman who not only ruined a friendship that was very important to me, but also my self-esteem. I don’t want this article to be a slam towards her, I really don’t. For that reason, I will not be using any names and I will do my best to leave out identifying details. I wouldn’t typically write something about someone that wasn’t praise, but sometimes, something can only bother you so much and for so long before you eventually just snap and have to let it all out.

Around two years ago, I became friends with someone that quickly became one my best friends, as well as a huge part of my life. Naturally, when you’re spending a lot of time with someone, you eventually meet their family. You would expect this encounter to be pleasant, which is usually is. However, this specific encounter was unique in that I was being introduced to the woman who would eventually break me down into a weary shell of human being.

Our initial meeting wasn’t bad nor good, but rather just a meeting. I offered nothing but kindness towards her from the day I met her. For a while, my encounters with her were pleasant. She would invite me over for dinner, and take me to my friend’s games so I could watch. We were civil, friendly even, often making jokes to each other and getting to know one another. Then, one day, something changed in her mind and she decided I was getting too close to her child, and that I would somehow steal her child away from her. (Mind you, my kind behavior hadn’t changed towards her or towards my friend.) From then on, she was awful towards me. She would frequently tell her child that I was unworthy of friendship, was affecting her child negatively, was untrustworthy, and would surely cause trouble.

From then on, things got pretty rough for me. No matter how much kindness I showed her, no matter how many times I gave her my love and my friendship, she would deny it, time and time again. She would stop letting her child spend time with me. She would tell her child that I was causing a change in their character, making them untrustworthy and a liar. She would say awful things about me. Simply stated, she wanted her child to have nothing to do with me.

I can’t blame my friend for falling victim to a mother’s words. We are taught from a young age that our parents are wiser than we, and that what they say is undoubtedly true. Adults, not just parents, will inevitably have had more experiences than a teenager, thereby having had more opportunities to learn, having the capability of being wise. However, just because someone has had experiences does not mean they chose to learn from them, as everyone copes with their issues differently. Some of us may deal with our problems head-on, while others of us may push our problems away and wait for them to dissolve. That being said, just because you have had more time on this Earth than I does not make you more wise. Your life span does not equate to your worth, your character determines your value.

I was left broken, with two people who now had filled their hearts with hatred towards me, and for no good cause. I blamed myself. Was I actually some untrustworthy monster who affected other children so negatively? Had I affected my other friends, too? Did their parents all secretly hate me, as well? Does my family know I’m this way, or are they blind, as I have been for so long? These are all questions I actually asked myself frequently. Eventually, I believed all that to be true; I believed that I was some monster who didn’t deserve friendship.

Now, almost a year later, my perspective is far different. I changed my point of view from the abyss of sadness I resided in, and lifted my head up to see the light. I reassured myself that I had done nothing wrong to her or to her family, and that maybe the issue was not with me, but rather with herself. Perhaps she had trouble taking responsibility for her actions that had affected her children, and the easiest outlet she had was to blame me for those negative regressions she saw in her own child’s life.

Words truly do have the power to cause more damage than any physical abuse ever will. It took me almost a year to realize that I was not a monster. I have been perseverant and strong, and I have learned to love myself. Through my experience, I want you to realize the everlasting effect your words can leave on someone. Likewise, I also want you to know that if you have ever been verbally wronged, those words are not a reflection of your character. You get choose how you present yourself to the world, but you do not get to choose how the world perceives you. Work on concerning yourself more with self-love, and less with worrying whether someone loves you.

“What Susie says of Sally says more of Susie than of Sally. Remember that.”