Thirteen scholarship athletes are all spamming my digital. Saying I chose the wrong place to be a middle man. Like I’ll respect those guys.
I threw my beeper into the river. I tried to do it inconspicuously, but of course I wanted to be dramatic.
This lady standing to my right was smoking something dense. She must have seen my screen shining from underwater, she started yelling all at me.
“Why the hell would you throw tech in the river?”
“Lady, you don’t even know what kind of tech that was” — didn’t even come from me. It came from another woman, sitting on a bench, behind us both.
“Yeah, Lady” I said, agreeing with my new compatriot. “What if it’s a gauge”
“A gauge?” They both said to me.
“Yeah, like,” I was now gesticulating my lie to both of them, full bodied, “I throw that tech in the river, angrily like I did and am supposed to, and I come back tomorrow and get it and read the…saline, levels, in the water”
“So tomorrow, you’ll be back. What time?”
“The, man has to tell me, my boss…he’s reading the levels, remotely”
“Woah, that’s cool tech” said my compatriot.
“Ok, yeah, Sir, I’ll give you my number. If you don’t mind, text me when you’re back. I’d love to see your whole…extraction process”
“Yeah, Yeah! Me too!”
They both took out papers and pens from their bodies. The “investigator” wrote on the tech obsessive’s back. The tech obsessive wrote on her own knee. I nod along, look at the tree, and glance down into the river. There is no light from my Beeper. Within what could have been thirty seconds, they both handed me their separate pieces of paper. I unfold Tech Girl’s number; her name is written above.
“Hi Piper, I’m Niles” I extend my hand for a handshake, then go to unfold the other woman’s number.
“Niles, the tech sounds so cool; it sounds so good. I would happen to be a fan of tech.”
“Alright”
“Yep. Would love to pry sometime.”
“Uhuh”
“Just-look at my damn paper” says the other woman, “and I fuckin’ knew it. Can’t believe I caught you doin’ it” She mumbles as I unfold her paper.
No number, no name. It reads:
MY SON IS ETHAN SMITH.
DO YOU THINK HE IS A NIPPLE?
It took me a minute. Ethannnnnnn… So many Ethans, so many Smiths.
“Darlin’, you’re gonna wanna leave” she warned Piper.
Piper nodded then half-bowed at me then left.
“Well?”
“Yeah, I’m still trying to figure out what you gave me, what’s going on”
“Did you read the paper?!”
“Yes, I read the fucking paper, I-”
“My son, Ethan. You remember him? Ethan Smith? Was three stars away from being a serious college contender and you twisted his career like a damn-”
“Ok, I get it now. Yeah, E-Bay. He’s been one of the ones blowing my Beeper. Had to throw it”
“Fuck you!”
“Fuck you and your son, like, what? Wasn’t up to me. He wasn’t good, you said it yourself.”
“We don’t care about your opinion, You assured us at least three meetings, Niles! We didn’t get a single one!”
“You care about my assurance but not my opinion. You want to hear the truth?”
“Finally, maybe!”
“Genuinely, genuinely here, Ethan’s mom, not a single recruiter liked your son. He came to the combine connection with swass and only did sit ups.”
“So he worked out…?”
“He only did sit ups, the whole combine.” I gently told her.
“Oh…well..”
“And now, like everyone else, he feels entitled. Entitled to get his money back, entitled to be in the league, entitled to make fun of my chronic illness and how I use the beeper.”
“He what?”
“Yepppp. Oh yeah. My illness. Articulatus Monstromical. If I talk past 6:30 pm, all the blood will rush to my stomach and I will digest my own blood”
“Well, Jesus, I’m sorry, I- I came at you too fast. Man If anything, you’re the-the nipple”
“That’s what I’ve been saying”
“Hopefully a dolphin or something will take care of that Beeper”
“Haha, let’s hope so”
“But wait, so, you got Piper’s number under false pretenses”
“Ope!” I say as I tap my wrist watch. It read 6:30. It was really 5:49pm or so, but I was nervously twisting before. I’m devious and smart like that.
“Oh, yes, my gosh. Well, best of luck with this-
CASHAPP? I singed in ASL, cutting her off
“Uh, yeah, you have one?”
I pull up my cashapp, signal to my throat and my stomach that her money will help my illness. She hugs me so tightly, I wish Ethan could see.
I sprint into the west village, into traffic, I feel the air, I hit people along the way, freedom from the beeper, freedom under my feet, and an excuse for silence, finally.
Epic Log — — -This must have happened that exact night or something, but a dolphin ate my beeper. They found it dead and with my beeper inside. I don’t know if the dolphins went through my beeper and laughed and stuff, or if the humans can resuscitate it. The beeper.