Self renewal


Time and time again, I recover from brokenness and wander back to the crusher, the thing that destroys me. It's like I'm some sort of ant that cannot keep away from sugar.
It's evident that I shouldn't be but its inevitable- seems so anyway.
I know my potentials, I know my depth, I know my person, at least sometimes. 
But even with this familiarity, I'm still a stranger to myself.
The good media say, "you are intense and deep, refuse to be an optional lover. If you are made an option, then you are not an option, or should not be".
Even when you are focused on being treated with focus, you derail and make yourself an option.
After you've had it and solemnly decide not to be dragged by anything or anyone, you find yourself at the forefront of drama, regret, frustration.
Why exactly am I holding on? What am I afraid to lose? Why do I keep making excuses for the way people act that is so revealing of their view of my worth to them? Why do I keep hoping that someday...
Some answers we'd never find on google or any search engine for a fact. It's all about soul searching, Sitting down with yourself and answering the toughest questions and giving yourself the honest responses, then making drastic changes in your life.
It can not be easy. For one, telling yourself the truth. I know that I avoid having to answer important questions that would probably tell on the people I hold on to.
Answering those questions ultimately make you look foolish and all the same, you don't want the reality of what you really are. You want to believe some where in your head that everything is fine just the way they are and you are at fault.
Say you answer the pertinent questions, moving on is difficult too. Trying to go ahead without carrying the baggage of people that don't make much of an effort in your life. You keep seeing them in whatever you do, you think about them , its hard.
But when you're really and truly tired, then you are left with absolutely no choice . Your shoulders hurt from all the unnecessary load, your mind saturated, you know you don't warrant all the trouble and pain.
That's when you begin your new journey. Journey towards self renewal.

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