Do Not Own Me Online, By The Actual Bonafide™ Jeff Jarvis (Yes, the real one)

I am actually a very chill person. I am extremely cool. I take Ubers. I fly Virgin. I’ve seen Beyonce’s videos.

But, I do not deserve to be owned online.

Owning online is best done when you find a technicality overlooked by others where you can insert an “actually” into a conversation. This is the only acceptable time to own someone online. They were asking for it.

I, the actual man, Jeff Jarvis, author of many books dusting up the shelves of second tier start up offices, am not asking for it. I am telling you right now.

Look into my eyes (this is an actual picture of me, Jeff Jarvis.)

The eyes of a man who did nothing to warrant being owned online

Yes, I’ve been woefully wrong with some of my asinine predictions. Yes, I tried to make money off my disobedient prostate. Yes, I tried to have my impostor banned from Twitter (I mean, wit is not that guy’s strong suit, if you catch my drift)

But I do not deserve to be owned online.

Sure, when my impostor account wrote an article for Esquire, a lot of people thought I should have been mad online. You know, get really red, mad, and nude. I heartily disagreed. That is not how a man acts, and me, Jeff Jarvis, who I actually am, am a true man. I simply wrote everyone at Hearst publishing to cry like the little bitch I, Jeff Jarvis, the actual real deal Jeff Jarvis, am.

Do not, under any circumstances tweet me to own me. Do not BOFA me. Do not send me pictures of Piggy Poop Balls or the Wolverine with the big dick.

DO NOT send me pornographic pictures of Garfield.

I am extremely cool and nonchalant. This should not be difficult for you idiots, but I, Jeff Jarvis, surmise it likely will be.

Not mad,

Jeff Jarvis