Every “Joke” in Season 1 of Disjointed
Here’s what you’re missing from Netflix’s dire new 3 camera sitcom created by Dave Javerbaum, of The Unfunny God Account and harassing 17 year olds on Twitter fame.
The show is about a weed dispensary run by a woman called Ruth Whitefeather Feldman, (c’mon) a lawyer, self-professed Rabbi and Shaman (ugh.) Ruth is played by Kathy Bates, who I’m hoping has finally been able to pay off whichever organized crime syndicate she owed money to that made her participate in this show.
It needs to be mentioned that because Disjointed is on Netflix, the characters can swear and about 80% of the jokes rely on people being able to say “shit” and “fuck.”
S01E01 — The Omega Strain
Open on a guy who is clearly Australian trying to sound American who introduces us to Ruth. First joke: “I am a Cannabis user.”
Joke 2: “usher in a golden age of people not being such dicks all the time.”
Joke 3: You’ve never had to use that taser before have you? “HAD TO? No.”
Joke 4: “our greatest resource, aside from having a shitload of weed…”
Joke 5: “hey… I’m your tokin’ Asian.”
Joke 6: “I got an MBA.”
Joke 7: “Why is her son black?”
Joke 8: “I haven’t bought pot since 1991 at a Spin Doctors concert”
Joke 9: “He didn’t seem like much of a doctor. I mean, the guy was wearing sandals.”
Joke 10: “Healp. Like Cronut or Labradoodle… I’m trying to make it a thing”
Joke 11: “Happily married… well, *cringe face*”
Joke 12: “I’m this close to driving the mini van into the lake”
Joke 13: “You’re not alone. You’ll be happy to know you’re a stereotype!”
Joke 14: “Let’s face it, children are bottomless pits of need”
Joke 15: “Cannabis isn’t about withdrawing from your family. It’s about altering your perception of them”
Joke 16: “It’s hard to quantify. It’s more of a feeling.” “What’s the feeling?” “7.”
Joke 17: “Sorry, I wasn’t listening.”
Joke 18: “I’m dissecting a cadaver.” (spoken in Mandarin)
Joke 19: “It’s a caucasian cadaver. Yes, they are all fat.” (spoken in Mandarin)
Joke 20: “You would be proud of me, almost as if I were a male child.” (spoken in Mandarin)
Joke 21: “Your parents OK with you working here? Because most of mine are”
Joke 22: “How could I keep that up without having a nervous breakdown? Use your head, Pete.”
Joke 23: “Paranoia… why can’t I breed you out?”
Joke 24: “Just business high.”
Joke 25: “I did have a chance, and in hindsight, I wish I had taken it.”
Joke 26: “I love you.”
Joke 27: “Walmart is evil.”
Joke 28: “Only when I’m buying in bulk. It’s bulk evil.”
Joke 29: “Dressed like a joint, twirling a sign.”
Joke 30: “You remind me of your father from back in the day: Ambitious, determined, thirsty for young, white women.”
Joke 31: “Must it always be about race with you?”
Joke 32: “Because Exxon makes you piss in a cup once a month?”
Joke 33: “What schmuck wants pizza from a HUT?”
Joke 34: “What schmuck wants to buy pottery from a BARN?”
Joke 35: “I can’t fuckin move”
Joke 36: “Where were you? “Iraq.” “Oh… our side, I hope” (to a black character)
Joke 37: “I thought he was surly because he’s black. Turns out it was WAR!”
Joke 38: “HOLY SHIT! A CHAIR!”
Joke 39: “I’m not going to say I don’t get curious, but then I see people like her and it passes”
Animated section about PTSD
Joke 40: “I’m fine.”
Joke 41: (Australian guy speaking with his real voice to some plants)
Joke 42: “Krikey!”
Joke 43: “I really don’t think of my thoughts as “mine.”
Joke 44: “Sometimes I wonder what urine tastes like.”
Joke 45: “Salty.”
Joke 46: “We’re tired of war… but we love grass!”
Joke 47: “Really shitty pot.”
Joke 48: “What is it with you Jewish guys and your mommy issues?”
Joke 49: “I’m only half Jewish. It’s not as easy as Drake makes it look.”
Joke 50: “My mother… you’ve met that batshit nonsense.”
Joke 51: “She’s the reason I’ve had acid reflux since I was 6 years old”
Joke 52: “I guess it’s just the lower half of you that’s Jewish?”
Joke 53: “Why’d you leave (Iowa)?” “Because people kept breaking in and taking shit.”
Joke 54: “Drugs are a real problem in that part of the country.”
Joke 55: “That’s like comparing apples… to meth and crack.”
Joke 56: “I’ve been on break since 10:00.”
Joke 57: “In a couple of hours, I’m going to think of the perfect thing to ay right now.”
Joke 58: “No, dad, gynecology won’t turn me into a lesbian (in Mandarin)
Joke 59: “The Power of Now.” I’ll finish it later.”
Joke 60: “As I said to Travis… fuck that shit.”
Joke 61: “We keep our things separate.”
Joke 62: “FYI… It’s true what they say. Once you go half-black, you never… actually, I don’t know what happens after that.”
Joke 63: “Everybody gets a Quidditch trophy!”
Joke 64: “I’ll do the mother thing, and you start dating him.”
Joke 65: “The other way around doesn’t make sense.”
Joke 66: “rather than capitate sensile”
Joke 67: “1:15 would be the perfect time for this strain”
Joke 68: “when it comes to healing… see you soon.”
Joke 69: “Happy medicating!”
Joke 70: “I’ve decided to actually read it.”
Joke 71: “Stoned?” “You have my word!”
Joke 72: “Absolutely not!” If anything, she didn’t.”
Joke 73: “The Mr. might even get a handy tonight.”
Joke 74: “Cannabis massage oil, on the house.” “Will it get him high?” “Just his penis.”
Joke 75: “You’d be happy.” “I don’t understand.”
Joke 76: “A woman, but with the power of a man!”
Joke 77: “I think you could bang Olivia!”
