Dad is comfortable, peaceful and mostly unable to respond. To me he looks like someone who is soundly sleeping. Crisp clean sheets, pristine cotton blankets, 800 thread count pillowcase on a perfectly fluffed pillow (but not overly fluffed because: Dad)…atop a real mattress that we chose instead of the thin, awful hospital bed mattress.

I can’t help but wonder what Dad is dreaming about. And at the same time I wonder if a brain and body that’s dosed with methadone and morphine even have the capacity to dream?

Back to “hopeful me” who imagines Dad is dreaming…

My hope is that Dad dreams of the times he was true to himself. When he was truly free to be himself without the pressure of what others wanted or expected of him. I hope this dream includes flying through the air…and a cape. Capes are badass.

My hope is also that Dad is dreaming of the times he said “fuck it, I’m out” and walked away from his work to be with us when we were sick (he always brought me Tiger Beat and Mad Magazine and Good & Plenty), or in a school production or sporting event. Or maybe he’s dreaming of the many adventures traveling the world with Mom, and occasionally with us.

Ooo hopefully this one has a cape too!

And I hope Dad is dreaming about the times he dug in deep and daring and shared how he really felt. I hope those dreams remind him that he was never so big, so bold until he got still, quiet, and shared the truest parts of himself. That version of Dad is totally cape-worthy.

And this too: I hope Dad is dreaming about all the times he laughed his very Dad laugh, the LOUD raucousAF HAAAAAA-HAAAAA that ricochets off the ceiling and walls and stirs up a contagious joy (or scares the shit out of small children and animals).

One more…

My hope for Dad’s dreams is that he feels the warmth of bright, brilliant love knowing that he chose his life with consciousness, wisdom and his version of honesty. He’s totally wearing a cape in this one. After all Dad has always lived as “The Captain” and we kids and grandkids are his crew.

Every dream begins with a dreamer…sweet dreams Dad