How Life Will Definitely Change Since ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ Opened to Universal Acclaim
Note: This was co-written with Brian Pang (Twitter: @BrianPang). Medium allows for only one author to be attributed to each article.
All guests will immediately take off their shoes upon entering our home, no questions asked, because they’re doing it in their homes too.
Asian women will no longer be assumed to be “docile” and “submissive” on apps, in bars, in the office, on campus, pretty much everywhere.
In lieu of cursive, students will learn to use chopsticks in elementary school. (Look us in the eyes and tell us it’s not more useful.)
Everyone will switch to the Samsung Galaxy S9.
Strangers won’t catcall by saying “Ni hao,” and instead say the right thing, which is absolutely nothing at all.
During icebreaker games, we will get to contemplate which Crazy Rich Asians actor is our celebrity doppelganger. We’ll struggle for hours because they’re all too hot, instead of just defaulting to our previous answer, John Cho, who is also too hot.
White people will give us manicures.
Asian men will make it past week two of the Bachelorette. (But not yet week three, because Crazy Rich Asians is just one movie.)
Everyone will start taking a handful of extra napkins when leaving a restaurant, just in case.
LeBron James will actually drive a Kia.
Asian men will re-download all dating apps, which will finally not be soul-crushing.
Women everywhere will get pregnant in honor of Ali Wong every time she releases a special.
We will order Thai for lunch at work and it will be just like if anyone else ordered Thai for lunch and we won’t have to deal with comments from Steve. Steve will also be very excited by the smell when anyone brings kimchi.
Everyone will carry emergency wet wipes in their bags.
We’ll save so much time because people will stop asking, “Where are you really from?” But then we’ll also have to answer all the questions asking if our family is like the one in the movie, so that will probably all balance out evenly.
People will stop saying “Open your eyes!” for photos and instead learn how smiles work. (Photos will of course be taken from everyone’s optimal angles.)
There will be a Korean American boy band. Real, red-blooded K-pop. Basically Florida Georgia Line, but less offensive.
Universities will send emails out to everyone asking Asian American students to stop dressing up as white people for Halloween.
Going forward, Sandra Oh will be offered all of Emma Stone’s roles first.
Lunar New Year will be litttttttt.