I Am Dating My Phone
This post was inspired by a conversation with my friend Lisa.
“Fill me in on your dating life,” she said.
“Oh, I’m really making an effort right now,” I said. “I’m trying all the apps: Tinder and Bumble and OkCupid, and Hinge and even this one called Happn.”
“So you’re dating your phone?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said. “Yes, I am dating my phone.”
I am dating my phone.
We talk a lot. I mean, not IRL. Mostly we just send each other messages.
My phone will send me messages like “Hi” and “hey sexy” and “haha what’s up.”
I don’t always understand my phone’s sense of humor.
One time my phone was like, “You so beautiful made me forget my pickup line lol … now your turn to say hi.”
I wasn’t really feeling chatty that day.
Sometimes my phone gives me weird compliments.
“Hey, you have really great eyebrows,” it told me one day.
I told my phone that was a strange thing to say and it was like, “I’m just really into eyebrows.”
I found out later that phones think that’s a good thing to say. I don’t know why.
I don’t know why my phone says a lot of the things it does.
“Originally from China?” it asked me once.
This is me:
My phone has this thing about shrunken people or something. It kept asking me these questions about what I would do if I found a 5 inch tall person jumping up and down and waving his arms at me.
I told my phone that I would probably pick him up and try to talk to him.
“Ha cute,” my phone said. “He might have a squeaky voice being that small.”
Then my phone asked me to imagine that it was the little person.
“Is this something you fantasize about?” I asked my phone.
My phone swears it does not fantasize about that and then it lol’d and haha’d a lot.
Sometimes I do go on dates with my phone IRL.
In January, my phone and I went to a bar where the heat was working really well.
By that, I mean I was sweating. Sweat was beading on my forehead and making my hair damp and weird. Shortly after my phone and I sat down, I yelled: “OH MY GOD I AM SO FUCKING HOT.”
My phone looked very alarmed.
Then my phone finished its drink quickly and did not want another one.
I told my friend, who is not a phone, about that date and he said, “Jesus, you really let the crazy out early on that one.”
And then he said: “You sound like a trainwreck on dates.”
I laughed neurotically because it’s true, I am a trainwreck on dates and it feels good to laugh about it.
But at least I’ve never proposed to my phone.
“Marry me we move to India have lots of babies good life,” my phone said once.
I wanted to be like, phone! Please use punctuation! But I bit my tongue.
My phone likes to talk about itself a lot. Sometimes it talks about itself too much.
I was supposed to meet my phone for coffee the next day but I guess it got all its talking out over messages because the next day, it stopped responding me.
I was kind of relieved.
The other night my phone told me that its job sucks and it doesn’t have any positive feelings about anything and it doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
“I’m also not really like anyone else,” my phone said. “So dating is hard for me.”
I told my phone that we are all special snowflakes and then I went to bed.
But dating my phone isn’t always bad or weird.
“I love that you’re in my life now,” my phone said once.
I thought that was pretty good.