I have a big fear that my life will turned out to be a boring one…
I constantly seeking out the adventure, the thrill and the drama. Surrounding myself with problematic people and taking care of their dramatic life. I am restless and anxious with my own daily agenda.
I used to have a job where I would travel almost every week and there is always be a time limit since it’s project based. And those were the times that I enjoy my life the most. But, right now I am in a stable times of the job and it gets pretty mundane and boring. Right now, I am actively on look out for ’the next job’. In last year, I was changing my jobs for 2 times.
Isn’t it a sign of deeper issue?
Currently, I have been seeing psychologist since I have anxiety problem. Most of days I woke up feeling anxious and I didn’t know what to do about it and I decided to see one. On the second session, she gave me my test result. The most surprising finding was that I have low trust with other people. She told me that, I actually have trouble to connect with other people due to my upbringing.
I was surprised that I actually have low trust with other people.
After reading several medium article, I came across a book by the title “He’s scared, She’s Scared : Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationship” written by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. In that book, they said that commitment phobic can be translated into two behaviour, the active one and the passive one.
After reading the book, that’s when I know that I am actually a passive commitment phobic.
I never thought that I have problem with commitment in a relationship. I am that one person who will say the loudest that I have zero problem with commitment in any relationship. BUT, I just don’t have the luck to find the right one. Most people that I attracted with, actually have commitment phobic or emotionally unavailable.
It’s not even most people, but actually all people.
I saw my own pattern. I have been attracted to those unavailable people while I always tell people I want commitment. I even have a long term relationship for 4 years with someone that actually unable to love! Or putting up with a commitment phobic person for months and being miserable all the time because of that. I put myself as the victim of all of my love story while I actually didn’t realize that, I am the problem itself.
Every time I met the ‘available’ person, I will say things like “There’s no spark” or “That person will not be able to accept me”, and I will walk away and being drawn to the people who actually unavailable. I feel the thrill whenever I am with problematic people as one of the fear of my life is : fear of boredom. I have a fear of commitment (because commitment is forcing me to be stable) and I choose unavailable people to hide it.
My immediate response after reading it was : I just want to bury myself to the ground as I don’t want to face my problem
I still crave and want a committed relationship. But I realize that I need to solve my commitment phobic problem, in baby steps. Because I need to quit myself on my fantasy where someone else will save me, realizing that there’s none will save me but me.
But currently, I need to pass my grieving stage into acceptance stage first.
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I recently discover this and I want to heal myself out of it. I probably will share more of my journey to heal my commitment phobic here.
