New startup plans to hedge Uber’s bets

By lobbying local governments, Uber has been able to largely sidestep taxi regulations. However, once they are forced to obey taxi regulations, the company will become less profitable. But how will investors know when the Uber bubble begins to pop?

I have decided to quit my job and start a company to help investors predict when the time is right for them to leave the market. My new company, Is it Profitable Yet? will be the fastest way for investors to know when to get their investments out of the tech market. This saves them money, so they can bet on other companies.

Background

You might be asking, “Karissa, but how will YOU know when the bubble is going to pop before other people?” Before this venture, I was just a typical female software developer in Oakland. Things changed when I realized that if I could predict the unicornification curve, companies would want to know about that. And they did. I’ve had resounding success by selling my algorithmic technology to hedge fund managers, saving them millions of pennies. Today, I’m going to spill the beans and tell you all about how my new company works.

How it works

When Uber brings it’s app to town, it also brings big changes. What if we could watch these changes and detect significant anomalies? The main challenge is deciding what we should track, and how we would get around pesky financial regulations. I realized the key to this puzzle while on my bike to band practice, when I was almost hit by a car. What does Uber have TONS of? Cars.

It goes like this. First, we will create Car Asset Backed Securities — or CABS. CABS are created when many different “Car Assets” are bundled into a single asset, so if any single car is destroyed, it doesn’t necessarily reduce the value of the entire security. We can then sell these CABS via Asset Product Producers (APPs), who attempt to find customers. As customers come to the APP, we match them with a CAB in real-time, allowing them to go from Point A (asset-holder) to Point B (broker).

Once we have begun selling CABS via APPs, we can create algorithms for predicting this Security-Backed Uber Market, or SCUM. Once an individual participates in the SCUM, we infect their app with an APP. Their phones will be tracked by the APP — every single move they make is collected by us. Then, we can track when Uber’s customers are going to competitors, calling taxi companies, and riding their bikes instead. We will provide a dashboard that aggregates all of the people in the world buying non-CABS cabs and non-APPs apps. By tracking the competition, we will be able to predict the volatility of on-the-ground customers, their drivers, and the competitor’s market share.

As these transfer-aware data streams converge, we take the initiative to track the connections between individuals in the network — we call them Transfer Reactive Asset Initiative Networks, or TRAINs. Because the assets in a TRAIN are public, they are inspectable by the community, and all investors, big and small, will be able to participate. We cooperate with governments to sell TRAINs to companies, like Uber. Once we have secured this pipeline, the TRAIN sales will allow us to predict Uber’s assets due to the fluctuating price concocted in our secret, backroom deals.

When we begin selling TRAINs, security becomes an issue. We thought about that, so for Premium customers, we sell Secure Uber Bonds, or SUBs. SUBs are proven to be the fastest, safest, cheapest, environmentally-friendliest, and overall best choice for the market. By paying for the extra security in a portal that we call the ‘SUBway,’ our customers will be able to find the fastest route from Asset-holder to Broker, negating the risk of death in CABS — which happens to be extraordinarily higher than any other method of transfer.

If I’m able to predict the profitability of Uber, why not apply that algorithm to the entire technology market? I could make millions.

So, is Uber just a unicorn? Probably. But how will you really know without paying for a service to tell you? And more importantly, what about the rest of the market? How will you know that other companies, like AirBnb, are about to die tomorrow?

With Is it Profitable Yet?, I realized that the best way to take a market is to take the whole market. We are growing the business from cars to also include homes and hotels. With home-sharing sites like AirBnb, it is important to know when properties are starting to be taken off the market due to regulation. To answer this question, we have begun to build a broker-backed system called Habitable Offline Trackable Equity License, or HOTELs. Users will register their new HOTELs hotels through our service, and we will check when they have gone from Online to Offilne.

How will we tell when a property goes from Habitable Online to Habitable Offline? Drones. Once our customers have registered their property through the HOTEL service, we will periodically send a drone to the property to check on its hospitality, habitability, and hotelality. It’s all in the algorithm, which can be seamlessly integrated into AirBnb seller profiles.

Ready to join?

I really think that we can shape the future of the market through sound tracking of assets. Is it Profitable Yet will change the world through revolutionizing market tracking systems. We are looking for funders, customers, and employees.

Karissa McKelvey is a hat wearer at US Open Data and likes to play music with thewyattact.com. She hopes you know that this is satire.