Understanding and Breaking Down the Defensive Ego
Oh, the ego. It’s something every human has, but what exactly is it, what triggers it to be more prominent in certain people, and how can we lessen our defensive ego?
The human ego is an interesting concept. It basically comprises the part of the personality structure that includes defensive, perceptual, intellectual, cognitive, and executive functions. The ego is directly related to consciousness. Conscious awareness resides in the ego, however, not all of the operational parts of the ego are conscious, sometimes we use our ego subconsciously- without us even realizing it.
Let’s break this down a bit. Our ego parses out what is real and what is not real. It helps us to organize our thoughts, and better understand them, as well as the world around us. We can think of the ego as a sort of complex or annex that serves as the focal point of our consciousness. Consciousness or what we know about ourselves evolves only by the work of an ego that is well-established within one’s self. A well established ego gives us the foundation needed to perform transformational inner work as individuals. A well established ego works congruently with forces that are beyond our control. When our ego’s are well established, it is balanced. We as humans don’t feel like we need to constantly be on the defensive. We don’t need to make ourselves the center of everything or crave self-gratification. We can take a step back and realize that having a modest ego will allow us to live a much more pleasant life in the long run.
Since our ego is at the center of our psyche, it plays a major role in how we think and what we think about ourselves. We can think of the ego as the “I” or the “self-conscious” within us. The ego consists of four parts or different ways we fundamentally perceive and interpret reality; and two ways in which we can respond to it. The four parts of the ego make sense- They include sensation, feeling, thinking, and intuition. As we get older, these four parts of the ego will most likely evolve and in some people, one part may be more developed than another.
The ego’s task is to find a balance between what is reality and the desires of our primitive drives, while also trying to satisfy the self. Oftentimes, we start to experience feelings of anxiety or inferiority when the ego begins to feel conflicted between our personal desires and values and society’s social norms. This is when our ego’s come out and we feel the need to satisfy an inflated sense of self-worth. In other words, to overcome these feelings, the ego employs defense mechanisms. These mechanisms are oftentimes executed without us consciously knowing we are doing it. These defense mechanisms are working to relieve tension within our body or mind by covering up things that threaten us, which is why we feel the need to defend ourselves.
So, how can we gain better control of our ego in order to live a more confident and less self-conscious life; thus, a happier, more worry free life in the end.
We can Better Observe our Mind
Try to become more aware of your thoughts, placing a focus on the negative ones such as anger, impatience, and annoyance. When these thoughts come into our minds, think about what triggers them and how you react. We often turn defensive because we feel that we are being attacked, which ultimately inflates the ego. When we can better understand what triggers these emotions and why they make us feel negative emotions, we will be able to begin to break down the walls of our ego.
Forgiveness
In order to lessen our ego, we must learn to forgive others and ourselves. When we hold grudges or cannot get over something that happened, we subconsciously put up walls, which is a defense mechanism; ultimately strengthening our ego.
Accept, let go, and move forward. When you learn to forgive, it will allow you to open up more of your soul which removes negative energy, allowing happiness in and reduces the need for a present overbearing ego.
Give up on your Need for Constant Control
This one, in my opinion, may be the hardest to accomplish. I wouldn’t say that I’m a control freak, but I definitely don’t like being told what to do. I mean, who does? But I realized that I needed to reflect more on this because at some times in my life, it was in fact bringing out my ego.
I noticed that a big part of this attachment for my constant desire for control came from things that I in fact could not control. So, my advice for this is that we need to accept the reality that there are certain things in life that we simply cannot control. Break down your barriers. Begin to be less afraid, and trust the universe. Be curious, take risks, explore, and do more of what makes you happy. You should begin to notice that the universe works in crazy ways and ways that we don’t always have control over. So loosen up on your need for constant control… You should find that in doing this, your ego (and others around you) will thank you.
Enjoy time Alone
I have to admit, I love and cherish my alone time. Being alone isn’t a bad thing and this is the time when we can sit and enjoy ourselves, reflect, and realize that it’s peaceful to appreciate silent moments with yourself. It can be a time to think, but don’t overwhelm yourself. This is when our conscious and even our subconscious will kick into defense mode. Remember that the whole goal of this is to try to break down our guarded and defensive ego.
It’s true, we all live busy lives, but this is no excuse to not make some time for yourself. Begin by creating a routine. It can be as easy as taking five minutes before bedtime to sit with yourself in silence. When doing this, make sure you are giving the effort to relax your mind. Remind yourself that you are your unique person and that is what makes you special. If something is bothering you, use this time to reflect on it, but also try to let it go. Forget about what society may say. Be you and love you for who you are and where you’re at in life. This will allow yourself more acceptance, as well as lessen your chances of being insecure and defensive when you think that you are being targeted.
Sometimes, in silence we can uncover the answers that voices cannot.
Practice Gratitude
Gratitude helps you connect with inner peace and raises self-esteem, indirectly impacting our ego. So, when we increase self-esteem and inner peace, our ego decreases.
Gratitude gives you a kind of satisfaction in life, which in turn, helps us to appreciate what we have, where we are at this moment, and who we are as a person. This practice of gratitude helps us learn more about ourselves, opening up the mind and creating a healthy balance with the ego.
A grateful mantra pushes out the ego’s need for comparison and its want for more. Try bringing more gratitude into your everyday life, even though we all know that life can be hard.
