What Happens When You Try to Change Her While Dating

Good news, everyone: I’ve just entered a new relationship.

So what was the point of your announcement?

The point wasn’t to brag. It isn’t my first relationship. But I am happy, no doubt. And definitely much different from before.

The one thing I’ve realized about relationships is that I’ve changed my views toward them… Drastically. Over the past 5 years.

It used to be a case where “I want to change her for the better”.

I know better than to believe that bullshit anymore.

As far as my 24 years on earth and 5 years of dating have taught me…

The best way to be with your partner is to accept them wholeheartedly — their very self, mind, body, soul, behaviour, character, strengths, flaws. Especially their flaws.

Not a grain of desire to change them. Well, people do change over long periods of time. But typically their core values and essence remains relatively stable.

So don’t expect people to change the way you want them to.

For Whom I Write This Post To

Does this sound common sense to you? If so, good for you. No further need to read Karlton’s ramblings.

But, chances are that you know it, but don’t actually live true to that claim above. And it ain’t just you. Your parents probably fall into this trap too.

Yeah, it’s one thing for us to say things as if we actually live them, and another to do the damned thing. Guess which is actually easier to do?

“Yeah I’m totally an honest person and I’ve never lied to anyone before! Swear to God.” — Secret compulsive liar, 2015.

“I friggin’ work out thrice a week. No kidding, I’m just pumping iron every other day.” — Self-proclaimed gym rat, 2015.

You believe that crap you hear? About 97.3% of statements that people say (including this one) are false to a degree.

We speak as if we do things already, but we tend to exaggerate, or twist the truth to make ourselves sound like we already know and do shit far and proper in life. But this remains as a topic for another day.

Moving on.

If you’re still confident you already accept your partner unconditionally, embrace them at the deepest levels of interpersonal understanding…

Then yes. You’re no longer needed here.

BUT.

If I did make you think twice, then carry on, wayward son.

The Shit I Did

I made the mistake of thinking that being with someone imperfect buys you time to eventually mould her to your own liking. Your ideal her.

I was sooo wrong.

My shit in a nutshell:

I have my impulsive side to bring in “heavy” topics in conversations e.g. death, life, human nature, religion. And typically this annoys the shit out of most people.

But when it comes to a having a potential life partner, they tend to be more attentive. They do their best to listen.

Thing is, after a while, they get sick and tired. So what I did was to gradually introduce them questions to “think for themselves”. And I did this only because I wanted them to be on the same level as me when I wanted quality conversations.

Caveat: I am one who gets sick of talking about mundane topics easily.

So I’d try to change my partners… In the way they think. But eventually they could see through my ruse. They’d answer me with many “I don’t know”s. My conversation got stale once again.

Was I disappointed? Definitely.

Was I a manipulative jerk? I don’t know. Probably.

Point of the story? I did what I shouldn’t have — trying to mould the real partner into an ideal one, with disastrous results. They all ended in break ups. Either that or our dating came to an obvious conclusion.

What actually happened?

I clung on to my expectations like a moth attracted to a candle. I was aware forcing things to lean toward my expectations could end the relationships. But heck, I went ahead with subtle, “benign” manipulation anyway.

I justified to myself that change is good. Changing her will be for the better.

And I’m not alone in this.

Other guys play out their insecurities by asking their girlfriends to stop meeting other guy friends, thinking that she might actually not cheat on him at all. Some ask their lovers to cut down on social activity, so they can spend more time together as a couple.

In principle, some guys might think, if I try to introduce and show the partner how doing x might lead to y benefits, surely she will see the light and learn to fit our lifestyle better.

Notice how those some guys (including the me from back then) might say “our lifestyle”? That’s just delusional, selfish talk. She doesn’t necessarily see it that way. Have you practiced true blue honest communication, and ask her what the fuck she really wants?

I didn’t, that’s for sure.

And we ought to start practicing that.

How to Start Accepting a Person

You see, if changing her for the better is what you really want, then you’re not really in love with her. You’re in love with the idea of her.

If you try to change her, you’re not treating with the respect and love she deserves. You’re not treating her as a human being.

People have fucking flaws. Get over it.

It happens to your biggest crush. Or even Natalie Portman. Especially Natalie Portman.

The strategy isn’t to change her so that she can be your plaything and live according to your self-ucking-ish fantasies.

The strategy is to embrace her every blemish, scar, pimple, wart, mole, crooked tooth, eye bags… And I mean this metaphorically as well.

And if you find this hard to do… Here’s a homemade remedy. Just take a look at the mirror and see for yourself the dipshit fugly creature that takes a pungent dump every now and then. And I mean this metaphorically (and sometimes literally) too.

You’re not perfect either. And neither am I. Or the girl I’m with.

But it’s all okay.

Embrace those perfect imperfections. That is all.