16 april 2017

Starting something new is scary. Getting out of your comfort zone, your numbness I don’t want to see zone. This gets you nowhere. I wish to go, to do, to dream once again. To not have you creeping around every corner, every page I turn. I start fresh every time. Blank. But somehow it’s always you. The letters spell out your name. The boxes looks like you. I talk about nothing, but in my head the strings and lines revolve around you and your life. Our life. Our past. When will these moments of despair leave me and allow me to feel whole and full again. Give me my appetite for life back and ready me for worse things. I mumble and look inside my eyes for a sign of knowing when you were here. They stare back, saying the things, I know, the things I hold on to. That hold me back. Drown me in the air I breathe and kill me with my sorrows. Unknown, unsure, unprepared. I should have known. I should have listened. Mostly to myself and my hundred voices. The mind playing tricks were telling the truth, telling me to stay away. 
I see with closed eyes what I should have known with an open mind. Knowing is reacting when the worst is to come. Misery is beautiful. A state I don’t want to leave. It means you’re hurting for something felt so good you couldn’t be in your own body. Had to get out and really feel it. Throw yourself around to see just how bulletfree you were. Indestructable. Hurting feels like destructing. We fall apart. Tried to fix it ourselves, look for the lost parts and find new ones. Better ones. Loving you was good for me. Loosing you is better. That’s how we learn. How the universe tries to communicate signals to us we can’t see with open eyes. We need open minds and glasses to see the truth. We need to cancel the wrongs out, whether we like it or hate it. I need to channel my truth to my body and see what you see. Live. Laugh and loose myself to the meaning of my life. I know it. I’ve heard the whisperes. So listen…