18 things that will inevitably happen when you are sick on your 5th day with the flu

Here’s the thing. I haven’t been sick for quite some time now and I gotta say, it really took me by surprise. It always seems like a little flu catches up on you at the worst possible moments. And seeing that I have all this free, boring, stupid spare time I though I might as well write about my thoughts. So here it is.

1. You will call your mom for pity

There’s no fun having a pity party for yourself. Everyone knows mom is the real deal. If she says it’s sad for you, you deserve to lay in bed and feel sorry for yourself while eating ice-cream for breakfast. But if not, get your lazy ass off that bed.

2. You will start to sound like Leo in The Revenent

It had to happen. You lost your voice and now people don’t know if they should feel sorry for you or laugh at you. You’re screaming at the top of your lungs but nobody can hear you. Better hope you’re not living alone..

3. You feel a strange connection to certain songs.

“Hot and cold” might as well have been written about your current state. Your crying your heart out to “Hold Me”, whilst trying to sing along with Savage Garden but the whole no voice thing kinda ruins the moment. You’ll try to “Shake it off” but the upbeat song is too much for you. You have to face the inevitable. “Goodbye my lover” is the last song you will ever hear. 
Well because you fall asleep. Don’t be so dramatic there will be new songs.

4. Your room will resemble a battlefield

Plates everywhere, clothes, garbage, teabags surrounding you. You might be the new Black Swan but instead of pulling out feathers you keep pulling out tissuepapers. Where do they all come from! What is happening to the world…!

5. You will binge watch New Girl or some other amazing sitcom

And though you love it and swore it would always make you feel better, something is wrong… The show is funny. And you should be laughing your ass off. But everytime you try, you feel like crying instead. The worst things has happened. It actually physically hurts to laugh! If I can’t watch New Girl and enjoy it, we all know it’s downhill from now on.

6. You will make popcorn and regret it

What kind of stupid person makes popcorn and doesn’t consider the fact that it will hurt like a million knives for each of those little popcorns to enter your throat. Just sinking feels like someone is sticking a knife into my breast and smiling, and you thought popcorn was a good idea… POPCORN!

7. You will see a doctor and be mad

I thought doctors were supposed to be on my side. Not be all smiley and pretend they know the suffering you’re going through and then say “Yeah you’re sick allright. Just not quite sick enough… Go home and drink some tea and come back in a few days” WHAT! I’m not sick enough. Please just give me the pills already I don’t want to feel like this for more days…

8. Drinking tea will no longer be a pleasure

I am a big tea drinker. I love tea! Green tea, black tea, herbal tea, chai-tea ect. But when you force me to do something, some of that pleasure disappears. I’m like a little child in that matter. “Do not eat that broccoli young lady” and you can be damn sure I will eat them all!

9. You will know everything there is to know about your ceiling

It’s white…. Yep that’s pretty much it. It’s a wonder how I have stared at it all week and not noticed anything else.

10. Falling asleep will be hard

After sleeping all day, it’s a bit hard to continue lying in your bed for the rest of it. I tried a whole lot of things trying to fall asleep. Here are a few of them. Read 70 pages in “Me before you”, drank more tea, sang myself a lullaby, fantasied a prince would come by and rescue me on a unicorn, ordered myself to sleep immediately(didn’t work) and even tried taking a shot(I didn’t have any wine, and it usually does the trick on a friday…)

11. You will start to loose all hope

Yeah this is the point where you start to watch really depressive movies like “Schindlers list”(I had to google that to spell it correctly and also I’m lying I still haven’t watched that movie…).

12. Gain your hope back!

After watching those horribly sad movies you realize it’s just a flu.. Not the end of the world!! You will be able to talk and breathe and laugh again. In 2–3 days but still! Look on the bright side. You have made it through that whole no speaking for a week thing the munks do. Well done you!

13. Write an article cuz you litteraly couldn’t come up with anything else to do

I doubt everyone will do this, but I just got so bored and felt like I needed to tell the world I’m still here. Don’t forget me. Please.

14. Realize 18 is a lot of things

I guess my imagination died a bit… Blame it on the flu right :) So here’s how it will end

15. Still sick

16. Still sick

17. Still sick

18. DOOBY IS A FREE ELF!