For the Boys
I think in every man’s life, the biggest catalyst for growth is nine out of ten times, a woman. She comes into your life disguised as everything you’ve ever wanted in a partner, until you realize she wasn’t. Because, let’s be honest you didn’t know what you wanted even when you thought you did. She’s the mental and emotional nuke that comes into your life and wreaks havoc on your soul so that you can pull yourself out of the rubble a new man, with new purpose, and a new and improved outlook on your life. She indirectly and covertly assists in your transition from a boy to a man. She’s going to make you hurt so you understand what pain is. She’s going to cross the line multiple times to help you understand what boundaries are. She’s going to steal your energy to fuel her own. She’s like the queen bug from starship troopers, she gets stronger with each life she takes. Sucking the metaphorical brain matter from your head so that you lose all over your conscious thinking ability. She will try and pull you away from your friends and family, so that you will learn who’s the real deal in your life and who isn’t. But, the fucked up part about all of this is, we don’t realize it until it’s all over. However, when it is over, it will be because you have had enough. You will wake up one day and tell yourself, “fuck this, man…” And you’ll make the call to go off on your own. Let me tell you, it’s going to be a tough call to make. We call this, self-respect.
But, why do we stay? Why do we persist to sacrifice our masculinity to try and make it work with this person? For multiple reasons. One being that we don’t want to fail. Our ego’s get in the way of our ability to think and we think that if we walk away, we lose. She knows that. That’s why she will constantly push you to the edge and back you into corners. It’s constantly a test. Another reason being that we think we are in love with them, but what we’re really in love with is the idea of them. We’re in love with the person they were when we met them before the mask came off and our world was rocked. That’s why it seems so confusing because the person you thought you met is not the person she is now. But hey, people change. So, what do we do? We hold on in hopes that things will go back to the way that they were, but sadly, they never will. We will have moments in the heat of arguments when we say “fuck this shit!” and leave. Then that fear sets in… That fear that maybe we made a bad call based on emotion rather than logic. So, what we do? We sacrifice our worth yet again, and we go back. We have not yet had enough and learned that ultimate lesson. Don’t feel bad, it’s part of the process. We all do it.
It’s important to remember that just because they helped us in this subversive way, that it doesn’t mean they deserve our praise and thanks, but maybe we can strum up the courage in ourselves to acknowledge the positivity in this outcome and give them some forgiveness for our own sanity. They don’t need to know it, its solely for yourself. I read something the other day that said, “I had to forgive a person who wasn’t even sorry… that’s strength.” And I believe it. I’m not at all saying that every relationship you have is going to be this way. I’m not even saying that the demise of a relationship like this is entirely the other persons fault. Let’s be serious, we weren’t a fully together person when we entered this partnership, but that’s the whole point of it. For us to wake up and look in the mirror, own our poison, and to fix it for someone else in the future so that we don’t make the same mistakes. For them and for us. Everything in life is trial and error. There’s no play book for how we are supposed to get through this shit. We should come up with our own rules and guidelines and do our best to be good men to those around us. Not entirely for them, but for ourselves.