A Dose of Reality: Abusive Relationship
AKA: An open letter to my ex-boyfriend.
A fucking idiot told me that love is blind.
So I wrote to you in Braille.
I let you hurt me over and over again because I desperately wanted to believe everything would smooth itself over. I held my breath when you told me all the things that I did wrong- I didn’t say that you made mistakes too. I didn’t want to hurt you like you hurt me- I never did.
I loved you so fucking much- just not the way I should’ve.
When people say this, this means they loved you platonically or romantically, some way that was inappropriate for the situation. Or that they didn’t love you enough.
Here, it means I loved you too much and myself not enough.
When the jokes and the anger began, I bit my tongue and took it. I knew I could. It’s what I’ve been doing since I was born. I thought it was okay. Thought I’d be okay.
I know they were just jokes to you. But the way you talk to someone, the way you treat them infront of other people- it speaks volumes. If you couldn’t treat me well in the time we were together, what makes you think you can treat me well for the rest of our lives?
The little things tipped the scale. You could never tell when I was having a bad day, when I told you about my parents' marriage, you asked me why it mattered- you got angry. Why did you get angry? Were you upset that I implied you were like my father? That I insinuated you were abusive?
But you were abusive. That slap? Never should’ve happened. You never letting me say no? Never should’ve happened either.
You took something from me I will never get back.
But I’m not angry.
I believe you are worthy of love. You’re genuine and have good intentions. But I’m not the one for you.
The fucking idiot was right. I didn’t see you. I saw what I wanted to see. I’m sorry.
But most of all, I’m sorry to myself. I’m sorry I didn’t love myself enough to leave sooner.