12 Things You Do On A First Date When You Know There Won’t Be A Second

My last successful date was with this drink that served 10 and had roughly 3,000 calories in it.

Have a lot of awkward pauses.

And no, not the awkward pauses that result in blushing and staring into each other’s eyes. The awkward pauses that are spent stirring your straw in your drink, wishing your vodka soda was a cauldron that you could wish into to make this date end. *cue Wicked music*

Completely shut down the idea of getting food.

OH, I HAD A PROTEIN BAR 3 DAYS AGO, I’M FULL THANKS. BUT I’LL DRINK MORE TO TRY AND MAKE YOUR STORY ABOUT GOING TO SUMMER CAMP IN MIDDLE SCHOOL INTERESTING!!!!

One (or both) of you start checking your phone pretty frequently.

While you both know Chrissy Teigen’s tweets are more interesting than answering “so how long have you lived here for?,” you know it’s a done deal if you’re both refreshing Twitter over drink #2.

Stop paying attention to one another’s stories.

“Oh cool,” “yeah totally” have started being thrown around every other sentence — whether it be in response to hearing about their favorite bar near here to why your date’s parents got divorced.

You have conversations about their friends that go from politeness to interest.

I.E., their friend sounds awesome. Are they single? More outgoing than you? Free for a drink in a half-hour? Please send them my selfies.

You fantasize about the fire alarm going off and you have to leave the restaurant.

Can I step in as chef? I burn Mac & Cheese, so I’ll get us out of here real fast.

You accidentally ask the same question… again and again…

“Oh you went to Stanford? That’s awesome. So where’d you go to school?”

You go to the bathroom just to sit on the toilet and play with your phone.

AKA, when you sincerely wonder, “should I just delete all my dating apps and re-download Candy Crush?”

You start flirting with the bartender. Hard.

I mean, they are the only person helping you get through this. By making sure you’re getting as wasted as possible. Bonus points if you ask in front of your dud, “make me your faaaaavorite drink.”

You contemplate going on Tinder during the date.

I mean, I’m in a new area in the city… there could be so many new matches here! That don’t feel like they need to “play devil’s advocate” in regards to Louis C.K.

You actually start to see looks of pity happening from people around you. The, “ugh, sorry you’re actively in awkward hell. But you’re also making all of us feel pretty uncomfortable, too” looks are so real.

The date ends with an awkward hug and “See you again… maybe?” Maybe not.