I thought the first part of your story was beautifully told. I was swept along by your story and man was it moving!
I think for me the second half detracted from it a little. It went from being a cool story to feeling like a bit of a pitch.
In copywriting we use a PAS formula for things like this. It means Problem, Agitation, Solution. Present the problem, which you’ve done beautifully, agitate the problem (so make people see why it’s a problem for them, get them to identify themselves in the problem) then solve it by presenting the product.
I think your agitation is missing which is why it feels a little disconnected. Also the word ensure appears a-lot towards the end, which can make it feel like your reading the same thing again.
I really hope that helps, you write really well and I’m looking forward to reading more from you :)
A tool I use that could be helpful for you is Hemingway editor. It’s a free online tool that highlights overcomplicated words and sentences. It helps keep my writing clear and bold. Maybe have a play around with it and see if it helps :)