A distinction between trust and faith

In a deceitful moment of clarity, I came across the notion that perhaps I’m afraid because I’m not trusting Him. And quickly countering this passing sentiment, I convinced myself that it’s not that I don’t trust Him, it’s that I’m terrible at trusting altogether, without being in complete control of a definite outcome.

Semantics aside, there is no disclaiming the validity in my apprehension to trust, given the aftereffects of what my soul has endured over the past six years. I spent a quarter of my existence relentlessly giving and fiercely loving another, unequivocally certain with every beat of my heart that this was the only thing in my life I could ever be sure of. And it was the most beautifully devastating realization in the world to experientially conceive how blinding love can truly be. So how do I trust my judgment. How do I trust my decisions. How do I trust myself. How do I trust His path.

I stubbornly (and ignorantly, perhaps) refuse to believe these inexorable thoughts are the sole source of my hesitation and fear. Yet my actions loudly speak otherwise.

I’ve spent months losing myself in my own headspace, endlessly wandering in corners of my mind I know I should never stray, entertaining conspiracies of an esoteric deliverance that I just haven’t found yet. And I’ve been wisely advised to be unafraid of this space, to let God invade and consume and transform. And yet until this point, space is only divulging these unfeigned truths that I’ve grown so talented at masquerading to the world as ambition and prosperity.

I bandage myself in enervate conviction of what I know I deserve, and it breaks me slowly each moment these thoughts find their way into my own selfish reasoning for why I cannot trust anything.

But it’s apparent to me that this stream of consciousness has come to be much too circular and I must act at some point. My inability to trust without stipulations and my perpetual need to overanalyze continually drive the inner dialogue back through the same story…and the cycle continues.

Apprehension finds me in my darkest moments, plaguing my unsettled mind with thoughts of “where do I go from here”. And in a precise moment clarity, I pray to unchain my erratic soul from this lack of direction, to anchor myself in His grace, to free myself from all inclinations of self-doubt to find peace of mind and, in Him, peace of heart.