fear and self loathing

I wrote this exactly a year ago. Incredible how things have completely changed…

There are people in my life that will compulsorily impel the proverbial middle finger to any sort of resistance to their paths. I’m envious of that, because that is not (and has never been) my reaction. To them, it’s self against the world, and self is triumphant. But in my twisted, yet somehow high-functioning headspace, it’s me against myself, and I am constantly defeated.

Each day is a replication of misplaced love, self-trivialization, contempt for the other, more resilient ones. When I’m feeling ambitious, I can feign confidence and bullshit with the best of them. Yet, I’ve never been so frustrated at the fact that I just think so differently. Type A to the core, without defense I bruise from even the tiniest of abrasions, internalizing every misconception to where it becomes my lifeblood. It feverishly pulsates out of my chest like it’s born from a second heart.

Like anyone in San Francisco, I foolishly define myself by my job title and characterize my identity by my career and a life that I’m still trying to convince myself I’m happy with. And as a result of not finding that solely in God, I am now deeply struck with the voracious fear that I’ll never be able to overcome my insecurities, jealousies, self-proclaimed fallacies and general ineptitude.

All the while, I am painfully self-aware and hate myself for not being stronger. And I know that at the core of this sorrow and panic and fear and self-loathing is arrogance at its purest definition. It ascertains that there aren’t others among me who are burned by the same fire of self-doubt. It assumes I should have all the answers at 25 and that it is completely unacceptable to feel lost. That I’m a complete failure for not already being where I want to be, wherever that place is.

Truth is, I don’t know where I am, except that I’m simultaneously way up high and down far too low. And neither of these places are where growth occurs, where accomplishments are achieved, where confidence is evolved and nurtured.

My deepest prayer has been for God to meet me here, in this self-inflicted, obscure place. That He would overcome this emotionally claustrophobic space, pull me out of my own grave and that I would be blinded by the light of His glory. That I would seek to know Him as He knows me in all my forms. That I would be overwhelmed by His grace and His love. And that it be all I ever need and desire.

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