Falling in Love Again After A Toxic Relationship

Falling in love is always scary. I believe love is the most sacred, beautiful thing we cultivate as humans. There’s a reason it’s glorified and explored so deeply in cinema, literature, and even advertisement. When you’re in it, it feels like you’re the luckiest person in the world. I feel fortunate to have loved and been in love so many times in my 29 years. However, with all these passing relationships, my body has grown more fearful of love.

My second serious relationship began in my early twenties. We met in the fall in Montreal and fell quickly and passionately for one another. Though as time passed the relationship grew more toxic. We both played our roles in the dismantling of trust and respect between us, I don’t think toxic relationships are as simple as someone was bad someone was good. Though it was important for me to acknowledge that a lot of his actions were painful and unacceptable regardless of my actions. I’ve spent the last 4 years healing the trauma that has surfaced as a side effect. I’ve had other small flings in the 4 years since we split, though nothing ever felt right. Now I’ve met someone new. He came into my life completely unexpectedly, and our relationship developed naturally one night under a full moon in a circle of other van lifers. (Living in a van for the last two months travelling the US is another story). We travelled pieces of the North West Pacific together and fell quickly and easily in love.

It’s still so new, yet we’ve managed to make it work despite the fact he’s American and I’m Canadian. He’s put considerable effort into the relationship, like relocating to Canada which has allowed me the space to focus on my passions and career. Our biggest obstacle has not been the border, the rainy Vancouver weather and van roof leaks, or the fact we’re still unemployed. It’s been my journey overcoming my trauma and triggers from my previous relationship.

After being in a relationship where constant fighting, gaslighting, and verbal abuse were the norm, it’s challenging to not expect that this new relationship will bring the same. Am I missing red flags that will show that this person will exhibit similar traits? I’ve noticed hypervigilance for any signs that these traits may surface in my new partner. My past toxic relationship started out in that euphoric can’t-keep-our-hands-off-each-other way before gradually becoming one of the most painful experiences in my life. After the breakup, my initial defence mechanism was not to get too close to anyone. If I could keep my feelings at bay, and know they felt more for me than I did them, there was less of a chance of me getting hurt. I noticed the men I was attracted to were emotionally unavailable. They were the ones that exhibited similar charismatic qualities to my ex but could not be there as a compassionate emotional counterpart to my healing.

In 2021 I met a man whom I fell for quickly. There were many signs of love bombing, though I didn’t know the term then. Red flags were present, and I stopped telling my friends about him, or the things he said that concerned me. He started lying and gaslighting me, and I broke it off quickly. It was then that I knew I couldn’t just blame these toxic men that were “somehow” just entering my life. I wanted to look at what it was about me that was attracted to them. I am not saying the victim is asking for the abuse, but rather there was a part of my being that was attracting relationships that modelled a dynamic that was familiar to me from childhood. It’s not that I wanted to be in an abusive relationship, but that kind of relationship was most familiar to me as my understanding of love. It had been two years after my toxic ex — I thought I’d healed so much, how on earth was I in yet another toxic relationship?

I decided to stop drinking and smoking weed right after our breakup. I knew I needed to reflect on why I had ended up in the situation yet again. I wanted to understand myself deeply and learn from my past so that I could break this cycle and find a healthy relationship. I spent some time single- though not much. When a healthy opportunity did come around, I didn’t want it. The more the man was into me the less attracted I would become. I settled for friends with benefits with someone I could trust dearly. This person was kind, respectful and extremely patient with me as we navigated my PTSD that would be triggered during physical intimacy. He allowed me space to express myself and assured me I was safe. I am so grateful to this person for their endless generosity and kindness, though I knew he wasn’t the one.

I also learned that I desired more than physical intimacy, I wanted my person. There was this feeling in me that said if you keep saying yes to the wrong people, you won’t know how to recognize the right one. So, I started saying no. I wanted to commit to intentional abstinence, to no longer seek a relationship or physical intimacy with others, but instead with myself. I devoted 7 months to this intensive healing. I was backpacking and travelling solo through Spain, Mexico and Costa Rica. I met healers and gurus that helped guide me in my journey back to loving myself and understanding myself intimately. So much of me not feeling seen in my relationships was me not seeing myself. I devoted myself to meditation every day for 250 days. I had an intensive writing and yoga practice as well as working with manifestation and affirmation. On this journey, in my final month abroad I met a beautiful man who told me, “You know Katarina, you can only heal so much of your relationship trauma outside of a relationship. A lot of the work is in relationship.”

This struck me powerfully. I was doing so much better alone! So much better not engaging romantically with others, so much better focusing entirely on my needs and dreams. And I needed that. I needed that time to recentre, relearn, unlearn, and come home to myself. But I also knew I longed for my person. And so here I am, open and falling in love. And my friend’s statement rings so true. I find myself triggered by any disagreement. I feel myself wanting to bury my head in my hands and run. I imagine my new boyfriend is mad at me or will snap at any moment. There are beautiful tender moments we share that I am fighting with all my power to remain present and not slip into a memory from the past, a memory that leaves me frightened and hyperventilating.

I fear my cynicism that all my past relationships have not worked out will bleed into this one. That in my looking for things that are “wrong” with the relationship, my mind will only focus on the negative. I believe our self-fulfilling prophecy to be powerful. This isn’t to say ignore warning signs, but not to create a negative reality that has not happened. I’ve been learning to breathe with what is, and to focus on the facts. This person is being kind, he is not exhibiting signs of anger or aggression. This person is open to hearing my perspective. This person is aware of my physical space and well-being. I’m learning to observe my thoughts and fears that come from the past, and know that that is where they stem from. The challenging thing with PTSD is that it can envelop your entire nervous system and tell you you’re not safe. What has helped me overcome this is communicating what this experience is like to my partner, and telling them specific tools to help me through it. I have not yet shared my entire story with my new partner, though I know that this has provided me relief in the past. What I’ve been working through lately is not identifying with being a victim of an abusive relationship. The stories we tell ourselves can define and alter our experience, and I am so much more than this past relationship. I’ve also learned that someone does not need to know my story to have basic respect for me and my boundaries. Patience is key, and having a partner that is willing to stand by me as I work through the sharp edges of my past has been inspiring.

We are all capable of love- and loving, again and again, no matter how many times our hearts shatter, our trust is broken, and our relationship with self is destroyed. We are resilient, adaptable and growing beings, and I’m often in awe of my heart’s ability to open over and over, scar tissue and all. If you’re entering a new relationship, or not sure how to proceed after getting out of an abusive one, I’m always open to sharing resources and tools. The number one thing that has helped me is self-compassion. Through self-kindness, patience, and self-love, we learn that all love is rightly ours. When we know the love we are inherently deserving and worthy of, we will no longer tolerate anything else.

From my heart to yours,

Katarina