Here, I Fixed It For You…
Morning Routines, my ass.
Recently, I’ve been trying to ritualize my mornings. I’ve read articles about how to go about an effortless schedule, including meditations, visualizations, journaling, etc. Furthermore, there have been “life hacks” about picking out clothes the night before, meal planning your breakfasts for the week ahead, and bullet journals essentially solving for world peace.
However, these articles don’t seem to address an adult’s life that includes a husband who is not a morning person (who leaves over an hour before you), multiple cats, and a child who is completely allergic to getting out of bed on school days.
I am prepared to ask the tough questions. Below I’ve included a series of my own inquiries and comments as they relate to the magic that is an ideal morning, specific to my days.
I’ve cobbled together this list of hot tips and recommendations from a number of different resources (read: Pinterest).
Plan an exciting breakfast and look forward to it.
* Does this mean I’m prepping food the night before?
* Are we suggesting I’m eating the same thing as my daughter?
* Does yogurt count as exciting?
* Can this exciting breakfast be consumed while speeding to school with my child, or must I factor in elusive “chewing time?”
Choose a blanket that keeps you warm.
* Or a cat.
* Possibly two cats.
* Two cats that could give a shit if they’re in your way.
* What if I sleep next to a human furnace in a CPAP machine?
Put the alarm clock across the room.
* Alarm clock?
* What if there are two people in the same room who get up at separate times?
* What if one of those people is easily confused and very cumbersome in the morning and is not you?
* It’s cute to assume my floor is devoid of obstacles like dirty clothes, overdue library books, and the “warm blanket” I tossed off the night before because it got too hot.
Leave your phone in another room.
* YOU MONSTER.
Stretching and yoga. Both of these are mentioned repeatedly.
* Be willing to put your life in danger because of high maintenance morning cats.
* Always check the floor beforehand for small toys, cat vomit, or unpaid bills. These can cause major distress.
* As you’re not supposed to be using electronics, attempt to guess what the stretches and yoga are as a beginner. Blind assumptions while half-asleep are key.
Warm lemon water.
* But not that kind of lemon juice.
* Not that kind, either.
* It’s organic or bust. In fact, best to plant your own lemon tree.
* Yes, in Colorado.
* No, I don’t want excuses. I don’t care if you’ve killed lucky bamboo, cacti, and air plants in the past.
* Quit crying.
* After using a sharp knife, a zester, and pouring hot water, make sure to take an extra moment to store your lemon zest in the freezer while you are in full zen mode.
* I love that we’re assuming I make meals that include lemon zest.
* Ignore the siren scent of coffee in the pot a mere two feet away.
Steps not included…
* Wake up your kid.
* Find somewhat matching clothes for your kid.
* Attempt to wake up kid again.
* Fall over at least one cat.
* Spill something.
* Begin deep breathing exercises while trying to get kid to move.
* Plead with kid about being a team player.
* Remind yourself for the zillionth time that a morning checklist would be good.
* Did you brush your teeth?
* Get at least half your makeup on.
* Make it very clear you are leaving at 7:50. NO EXCUSES.
* Sprint out door in near-tears at 8:03.
* Make sure your kid is actually in the car with you.
* Get pissed because you forgot one of the most important steps to a perfect morning: writing down your gratitudes.
* Mentally note that you’re grateful you only stepped in cat barf once, your kid did not cry, and you remembered to throw a box of crackers and an orange in your bag for your “lunch.”
There. I fixed it.