The mindset

The understanding

Leading up to the change I experienced a lot of lows. As soon as I managed to build something up, another thing fell back to pieces. My plans did not look achievable anymore, and I felt stressed, disappointed and unhappy. I couldn’t find work that was fulfilling, I found myself struggling financially, I couldn’t focus, I panicked and stressed over little things, I lost touch with people I cared about. The things I believed in, were soon almost gone. An abrupt, cold-hearted breakup was the final straw.

That’s when I realised the only way out was through — BUT with a mindset that worked.

I read everything I could find on thinking, patterns, biases, attitudes, and change. I went back to meditation and running, and finally accepted the void and the pain. And that’s when it happened. When I accepted that anything wrong can happen, and possibly will happen, I felt relieved. I knew that no matter what, my mindset will get me through.

Here I am, sharing with you my understanding of how to build a growth mindset, coming from my own experience and from a collective description of what the growth mindset is, how it can be applied, and why it works.

A mindset that works

The way we think about failure, performance, progress and ability - influences everything in work and life. In fact, the single most important “success” factor in life that is completely under your control is your mindset. Surely it cannot be switched on and off on demand, and expecting someone to change the way they think just because you say so is irrational.

However, you have the ability to nudge the way you think in a direction that works for you, one step at a time.

Before you read on, ask yourself — when did you last find yourself in a situation when you had to challenge the way you thought, to be able to achieve something?

A mindset needs nudging on so many dimensions, but for now I’ll only focus on what I’ve managed to understand: expectations and triggers.

Expectations

Let’s start with expectations. The symptoms of a fixed mindset are “if x, then y” types of thinking, where “y” is a placeholder for satisfaction. When you expect something to occur, and tie it to your personal satisfaction, you’re stuck. You’re trapping yourself and other into a circle of proving something over and over. You’re measuring absolute performance without accounting for time, effort and willingness to learn. You’re putting pressure on someone or on yourself to perform against fixed subjective criteria. You cannot ever grow beyond your expectations if the only thing that matters to you is meeting them, ad literam.

First, being able to articulate expectations into measurable results is great. But don’t look to desperately validate something you imagine must be the only desirable outcome.

Becoming your best self is better than being something you can’t sustain.

Fixed expectations often get in the way of performance-driven people. If you have a lot of expectations, you probably set a lot of metrics to test your performance against. When your performance doesn’t match your outcome, what happens? Usually a lot of frustration, especially with oneself, with your co-workers, and a lot of stress.

In a growth mindset you detach yourself from expectations, and prepare yourself to work with any outcome. You start engaging into a discourse about what outcomes are, what they mean in context, what actions you can take, and keep iterating.

Trying to meet fixed expectations is a waste of good effort and ability applied in an unproductive way. Being open to working with any outcome sets you free from limits, stretching your achievements beyond a single dimension.

Triggers

I’ve always had a hard time with triggers. They are hard to master. It takes just a few seconds to react to one, and by the time you realise you’re on auto-mode, it’s too late.

First, it’s helpful to understand that anyone is sensitive to different triggers, and that our reactions to triggers are hard wired from early years and experiences. Are you aware of your triggers? I think that the hardest part is to realise that you are more than your reactions to triggers. It’s so easy to evaluate someone by what they seem to do under specific conditions. It’s really hard to appreciate just how much hidden potential is hidden deep under several layers of conditioning.

My favorite quote on this matter comes from Viktor Frankl —

“Between any stimulus and reaction there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom”.

I struggle the most with triggers when I feel like my chances to get it the right response out are numbered. The more time I have, the better I become at choosing my response. Mindfulness helped me find and extend that space between response and trigger. It helped me understand where my reaction comes from, and why I’ve become sensitive to a trigger. Perhaps that’s something that will help you as well.

The most important lesson about changing my mindset when it comes to triggers is that — even if you know you’re on the right track, if you’re surrounded by impatient people, your effort will not be acknowledged.

Try to surround yourself with people who see the effort as a success in itself, and you’ll get there.

Don’t stop. I know I won’t.