Tales of Hypoglycemia: Part 1

Are you weak? dizzy? sweating like a pregnant nun? so ravenous you would accept a meal made by a homeless person with infectous diarrhoea?

Ha, you’re drunk.

Or maybe your blood sugar has dropped too low.

It doesn’t feel very nice and they’re a common occurrence for the average diabetic. I have like a handful of ’em a week. It scares the commoners, they’re all like “Please give my daughter’s lunch back” and “Are you eating that jam with your bare hands?”

Some weeks ago I was staying over at my girlfriend’s house when I woke up in the wee hours of the morning, sweating profusely. She was woken by the incessant beeping of Sir Pumpalot, telling me, I was in fact, far too low and while I chugged on my coca-cola, she ran downstairs to fetch me a quick back up snack, to prevent me going low again.

Several minutes later she reemerged with an almighty feast, it was an amount that could end world hunger. It appeared that in her sleepy yet concerned state, she had moved the contents of the kitchen into the bedroom, explaining that she didn’t know what I wanted. There were several different options set out in front of me; a loaf of bread, a pot of jam, the entire tub of butter, several packets of crisps, some snack bars , a yogurt and a bowl of cereal that, she must’ve been so certain I’d eat, she’d already dispensed the milk into.

Little did she know I’d eat a rotting fox at this point. Having different options just doesn’t matter when you’re suffering hypoglycemia, everything tastes fucking great. Nonetheless, it was very kind, especially for 3am.

I ate a piece of bread and butter and swiftly fell back to sleep, waking of course the next morning to the guilty scene of sloppy cereal, off milk and warm butter. Which I’m certain would’ve looked delicious, had another hypo occurred.

Now, I say that I would eat or drink anything during a hypo, but if I was given an orange lucozade then I would probably punch you in the face afterwards and blame it on “hypo anger”. I hate orange lucozade. And don’t even get me started on dextrose tablets. Yeah, it’s like eating a piece of chalk, except it’s so sickeningly sweet that I could probably actually acquire type 2 diabetes on top of the type 1. Or at the very least, sky rocket straight to the land of hypERglycemia..

Kat Clifford and Sir Pumpalot.

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I've had type 1 diabetes for 15 years, there's no cure but my coping mechanism is humour and an insulin pump called Sir Pumpalot.