Egos and Answers

Somehow Challenge #2, this tiny little project for my Entrepreneurial Design class, has became extremely emotional for me. Of all of the projects I’ve been working on this semester, this one challenged me the most to remain confident in myself and my work. There weren’t really any rules (except when there were), and there wasn’t really any right or wrong way to complete the challenge. So what was it that left me fighting back tears for the first hour of class last week? What brought me to become so overwhelmed by fear that I’ve struggled at times to move forward?

This week, I’m taking a pause to reflect on these questions and what I’ve learned in the process. I’ve heard some great pieces of advice, but I’m not sure I can say I’ve learned any lessons yet. I can can see objectively that many of these lessons would be good for me to apply to myself and my work. But I don’t think I’ve completely absorbed them. They are lessons that are deeply challenging for me, because they are butting heads with some very strong beliefs I have about myself and how I should operate in the world. In this post, I’m going to attempt to dismantle why I’m resistant to two of of them in particular and then I’ll try to talk myself out of it.

Lesson #1: Separate Your Ego From Your Work
This is, word-for-word, a piece of advice we received in class, and I really, really want to call bullshit on this. The idea that ego can be extricated somehow from the self and the self’s work just perpetuates the myth that humans are capable of turning parts of themselves on and off, as if we have switches and buttons. Also, isn’t ego the entire reason we are all here? We are students in this program because it benefits us in some way; perhaps it supports the perception we have of ourselves or who we’re striving to be; or it’s the vehicle we are leveraging to get to a destination or a milestone in our lives. It is very much a self-serving action. Choosing something we are passionate about for this challenge is also very self-serving, because it renders whatever we do all about us, what we want, what will entertain and motivate us. So to suggest that it’s possible or preferable to work without serving yourself, to work without your ego, seems too idealistic to me.

Okay, enough of that. I think what this lesson is trying to impress upon us is that we should demote the ego from the hierarchy of stakeholders who will be impacted by this project. I can see how it would be helpful to temper it, let it have less of a say in what motivates us to do what we do within this project.

For me, my ego works really hard to protect me from failure, which often only leaves me stagnant, doing nothing. It’s more comfortable there than it is when I have to face the reality of my abilities and talents, i.e. that I am probably not going to create the next thing that changes the world. My ego tells me, “that person is going to think you’re so dumb if you send them that, and someone else thinking you’re dumb means you really are. Don’t do it.” Often I find myself saying, okay, you’re right. I won’t. But going forward, I think what I have to do is to tell my ego to shut-up.

Lesson #2: It’s Okay Not to Know the Answer
Since Challenge #2 was introduced, we’ve been asked to work in the moment, to explore, to learn about our communities first, then start thinking about what we can offer. We’ve been asked to stop looking for the “answer” in everything, and instead just listen, observe, reflect.

In an environment where it feels like we are constantly being evaluated, where we will eventually have to defend our work in order to earn our degrees, it’s been especially challenging for me to essentially leave my work up to fate. Every piece of work I do is reflective of me and my abilities. If I’m not making an effort to ensure that my project is successful in the end (if I am not thinking about “the answer”), then it feels like I am increasing the risk of making an error, of choosing the wrong path, of saying the wrong thing to the wrong person and ruining the whole thing.

This may be unique to me, or at least to anyone that seeks validation from authority figures in order to feel any sense of satisfaction or confidence in my work. I think this is why traditional education and I have never gotten along very well, because when you add in pressure to perform and the dynamic of a single person of authority deciding whether you move forward or stay where you are, I tend to buckle. (This is not an exaggeration: I had so much anxiety in high school about the SATs, my doctor wrote a note to my school saying I should be allowed to step out during the test to use the restroom if I felt sick).

I know that this is my own problem, this whole, my-entire-sense-of-self-worth-is-in-the-hands-of-anyone-who-has-authority-over-me-thing. I can blame the education system, I can blame what I didn’t have growing up. Ultimately I have to break this down a little bit, and find a balance between valuing validation from people who I look up to, and not letting it totally dictate what my work looks like and how I feel day to day about it.

So even though it feels like I’m leaving my work up to fate, I’m not doing that at all — as long as I am working, making an effort, not getting in my own way. What it will come down to for me is going to be trust. I have to start trusting that I am intelligent and capable, that I have good ideas and enough experience and skills to contribute something meaningful. I have to start trusting that I am doing okay.