Loser

Now, I know I won’t get a lot of sympathy for this post. It’s very much a problem-only-because-you’re-looking-for-a-problem / something-to-complain about kind of thing. But anyways. The problem is.. I don’t know how to lose.

I recently ran for a student representative position. There were four other candidates running for the same position. I had never run for anything like this — no school council positions, no organization positions.. nada. My friend, however, said that it was a good opportunity and that I should try. So I did. I put my name forward, hoping I would win by default. Then I found out there were four candidates running — my chances had suddenly become very slim. I decided that I didn’t want to put any effort into it. No campaigning, just a sweet campaign statement on the voter ballot. My friends convinced me otherwise. I had put my name there for a reason, and so I should actually try. Put my name out there. So I did. And I was so uncomfortable doing it, it stressed me out. It was a weight on my shoulders all weekend. Apparently I sleep-talked one night — another sign of stress. But, nonetheless I was also a little proud of myself for doing it.

And then come today I learned that I lost. And I was expecting it. And I was okay with it at first. But as the day went on, the weight of the loss started to weigh me down. I was disappointed. I am disappointed. And I didn’t understand why. Until I told my dad, and he told me that it’s because I don’t know how to lose.

The last time I “lost” was when I didn’t make it on to the cheerleading team in highschool. I was upset/pissed/stressed about that too. Other than that — I don’t really remember the last time that I had “lost”. Where I put myself out there, and the decision of whether I won or lost was out of my hands. It was up to someone else. And I guess it is true. I don’t know how to lose. When I do, I seem to wallow in self-pity and get stuck. I don’t know how to move on. But I refuse for that to happen this time.

When I didn’t make it on the cheerleading team in high school, I went ahead and joined the competitive all-start team outside of school. Had a great time for two years. Maybe this is another one of those kind of moments. I didn’t get this opportunity. So now’s the time for me to go and seek out another one. A better one. ok.

The other issue is a constant one. I care too much about what other people think of me. And so putting myself out there for this election was stressful because I was exposing myself to others. Exposing myself to be judged by others. And seeing if they would want me. But I have to remember that for me, though I felt like all eyes were on me, in reality, there were probably only 1–2 eyes on me. And those eyes being that of my friends. Who wanted genuine good things for me. And that’s good.

I need to get over this caring about what other people think of me thing.

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