Making Plans
The last week or so I have been a flaming, fuming, train wreck of a human being. Maybe you saw me last week and I looked pretty normal. Sometimes train wreck is my normal.
My last chemotherapy treatment was at the end of June and I have been in limbo since. After two months of waiting around, I will finally be starting radiation. Last week, I had tiny gold markers placed in my pancreas via endoscopy. Then a few days ago, I had an MRI and a planning scan for radiation. I even have my actual treatment dates on the calendar, September 17th being the last of them.
September 17th could be my last day of any kind of cancer treatment forever. The rate of recurrence is high with this type of cancer, but recurrence is just an if. There are better ifs for me to think about. The last time I saw my oncologist, his words were “You may be cured with what we’ve done already.” The chemo has done its job in getting the cancer into remission, and the radiation is to help it stay that way.
So what is there to be a wreck about?
The uncertainty. That floating feeling. When should I go back to work? What if we can’t pay the bills? How will I ever do all the things I want to do if I am too sad, or too stressed out, or too tired to keep wanting to do them? What if I am just going to be an emotional, irrational mess whether I stay home, or go to work, or go to the moon, or just go to freaking bed?! Then there’s the guilt I feel for not being happy with a damn miracle. I mean, who just gets all better from Stage 4 pancreatic cancer?
My husband finally got me talking rather than going around and around like this in my own head. Thank God for the wonderful pain in the butt that I married! I talked to my husband. I talked to my doctors. And today I talked to my boss about going back to work. Unless radiation really knocks me on my butt, I am planning on going back a few days after my last treatment, and the best part is- I am happy about it.
I feel like I am reclaiming my life, not just the life of my body, but the things that are also me- me on my schedule, walking tall, feeling capable, doing the stuff of not being sick. Yesterday, for the first time in months, I went to the grocery store without a hat on. Here’s my “buzz cut”:
There were other things I did this week that helped me out of that low place- a book I finished, a contest I entered, paperwork I had put off for too long, and looping yarn through more yarn. Even when I didn’t feel like doing any of it, these things helped. Cancer-cation is coming to an end in a few more weeks. My next blog post might have to be that first day of school tradition: the essay on what I did over summer break.
In the meantime, I’ll be working toward a healthier thought life and a more radioactive pancreas. ;)
