Thoughts on being four weeks pregnant

I began to suspect something was up beyond normal PMS on Monday. I was experiencing symptoms that I didn’t associate with pregnancy — my upper ribs would randomly throb, I had a low-grade fever, I’d wake up at night for no reason. I knew pregnancy was the land of Weird Shit Happening, and so I took a pregnancy test. It was positive.

It’s important to bear in mind that this is thrilling news. We were trying. We have been trying for long enough that we’re tired of not being parents. At the same time, this is a strange place to be. In 8 months, there will be a baby. Right now, there are a series of random events happening in my body that I cannot talk to people about.

Keeping my mouth shut is difficult. We told only a few people, in case something goes wrong, but I’m constantly yearning to blurt out the news. Not to share my joy, just to explain why I’m falling asleep in a work meeting at 430pm. Sadly, no one at work will have a clue for the next two months.

A friend figured out the news on his own at our weekly pizza-and-wine gathering last night. Usually, I will drink all your wine until the wee hours. At this gathering, I had nothing but water for hours on end and then wanted to leave early because I was tired.

No one would believe I’d become an early-leaving teetotaler for no reason.

I’ve begun reading books about what’s happening with my body, and am filled with righteous indignation. “DO YOU KNOW WHY I’M SO TIRED!?” I bellowed at my husband. “IT'S BECAUSE MY BODY IS COLLUDING WITH THE EMBRYO. THEY’RE SETTING UP INFRASTRUCTURE THAT WILL LET IT PLUG INTO MY BODY SO IT CAN LITERALLY DRINK MY BLOOD.”

Pregnancy is making me an objectivist.

One day, I will become attached to this baby and will love it more than anyone in the world. Presently, it’s the thing that’s keeping me up at night and then taking away my ability to drink coffee in the morning to compensate.

Here is a laundry list of what’s gone on so far: 
- Intermittent low grade fevers, which WebMD says are fine and normal as long as they don’t go above 101. 
- I hate EVERYTHING. And not in the way that you hate everything when you’re cranky. At least for me, when I cranky-hate, I‘m aware that the problem’s probably me. With pregnancy-hate, all things feel objectively terrible, their continued existence serving only to mock me. In the past week, I have hated: the TV show Mr. Robot; strawberries with darker-than-average red parts; the argument someone was making at a party; the new chips on credit cards; all the people on the subway, the general concept of doing anything, ever; the gold standard; the graphics card on my phone; pizza where the cheese had hardened and was no longer pliable; the fact that my body craves sleep and then doesn’t understand why not getting up for yoga means it doesn’t get to do yoga. Also hated is the fact I can no longer do handstands when I do get up for yoga.
- I’m constantly exhausted and am going to bed at 10pm. Then I wake up in the middle of the night because my hormones have set an alarm for 4:20am.
- I have headaches and constant sneezing and sinus pressure because I stopped taking my allergy medicine because I’m not sure if it’s pregancy-approved. This coincided nicely with the arrival of spring pollen. I would take Advil to relieve this, but Advil is definitely not pregnancy approved.
- Frequent, non-Advil-treated cramps that feel like PMS cramps but which are actually Taker Embryo hooking up infrastructure.
- I have an ambivalent relationship with food, wherein I’m never sure if I’m hungry or not but then crave whatever I’ve just gotten a whiff of.
- Weird pains in my upper chest that are apparently ligaments loosening so that there will be real estate for Taker Embryo.
- I have a constant urge to shout at my body, “YOU WORK FOR ME!”

This has already been a major life change, and it’s only month one. Stay tuned for month two! I hear that’s when the morning sickness begins.

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