Someone’s going to need an ice pack. (Source)

Olympic sports for the rest of us

The Olympics begin today! Everyone loves to watch the athletic Beautiful People succeed, but deep down, many of us enjoy their failures too. That’s because we, the Couch People, could never accomplish the feats the Beautiful People make look easy — if we could, we’d never watch the Olympics at all. So I’d like to propose a new set of Olympic sports, a chance for us Couchies to earn our glory, and rub it in the Beauties’ faces. Here are some activities you can accomplish every day that also deserve a gold medal:

— Disposing of the garbage even though it’s humid AF outside.

— Finding ca$h money for your laundry and using it for actual laundry.

— Beating a crosswalk while catching a level 250 Zubat because you need dat stardust to evolve your lazy-grass Pokemon.

— Eating a vegetable.

— Eating two vegetables.

— Pants?

— Choosing a fruit instead of a deep-fried-Oreo-butter-bar because “they’re both sweet!”

— Brewing a proper cup of tea or “chilling” your white wine in a “glass.”

— Sending a work email to the right person.

Not sending the email you really wanted to send to the right person.

— Unfriending a toxic influencer on Facebook.

— Spending less time on Facebook.

— Calling your parents.

— Sticking to your plans when you really wanna watch Netflix instead.

— Reading a book.

— Talking with a friend about how it’s harder to read books now.

— Sitting outside in the sunshine.

— Petting all the dogs.

— Inspiring a baby.

— Not stealing that pet baby even though you really wanted to.

— Complimenting a fellow human in a non-creepy way.

— Capturing a memory of something that makes you smile.

— Sending a funny gif to a person who needs it.

— Drinking enough water.

— Dental floss?

— Not taking an open seat on the Metro car.

— Not talking about Metro for 24 hours.

— Not judging anyone for 24 minutes.

— Putting your keys on that finger-puzzle-trap ring all by yourself.

— Opening a jar without frightening the neighbors with your bellowing.

— Paying your rent on time.

— Changing a smoke detector battery instead of engaging in a passive aggressive BEEP war because you were burrito’d in your Snuggie.

— Tipping a customer service worker.

— Being kind to a homeless person.

— Holding the elevator door for someone and then not making weird eye contact or weird noises or weird breathing once you’re in there.

— Walking up the stairs even though the escalator is still in service.

— Learning a new stretch.

— Drawing a cool doodle.

— Giggling at the word “doodle.”

— Creating ANYTHING (cootie catcher, bookshelf, pasta, life…).

— Saving money for something that’s important to you.

— Buying the eggs at the grocery store that hatch from happy chickens.

— Walking, not driving, to the cheeseburger joint.

— Expressing genuine enthusiasm for something.

— Showing up for someone who needs you.

— Voting instead of complaining.

— Making time to love and appreciate yourself.

— Reflecting on your blessings and privileges.

— Finding out what makes you happy and sharing that joy with the people who matter to you.

Did you do something on this list? Then you win! You did the thing! You get a shiny validation! Now grab some popcorn and enjoy the schadenfreude.

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