Recipes for the Lazy: Episode 1 — Curry in a Hurry
My name is Kate and I’m tired of euphemisms. I’ve seen articles about Narrative Recipes: it’s not food, it’s a STORY. I’ve walked past cookbooks for Dump Meals: it’s not fuel, it’s a PRE-POOP. I’m here to say that I am a sloth, and I want cooking to be easy, and goddang it I deserve a resource for my people. If you too live the sloth life, here is your first lesson in cooking.
Lesson #1: curry is a myth.
Did you know the word “curry” means nothing to a person born in South Asia? When you say “I love curry!” you’re really saying “I love all things that can be eaten over rice!” Really? You like all of it? You’d want to eat a boot or a mitten if it were served over rice? Maybe you would, you special snowflake. For the rest of you, let’s stop glorifying curry as this incredibly unattainable culinary feat and make some flippin’ food to eat with rice.
Step 1: Buy a can of curry past or tomato paste, a can of coconut milk, a lot of chicken or vegetable broth, some cumin, turmeric, ginger and garlic. I know you already own salt and pepper and olive oil because you’re basic just like me. Get an onion too, or a shallot if you’re feeling fancy. Don’t worry about cilantro or lime because garnishes are a WASTE OF TIME and spoil two seconds after you buy them.
Step 2: Pick out whatever-the-heck kind of protein and vegetables you like at the store. Chicken and zucchini? Great. Tofu and sweet potato? Fine. Chickpeas and mushrooms? IDGAF. Buy what you like and can afford because it will all taste good.
Step 3: Pull out your biggest pot. The kind you boil water in, not the kind you’re giggling about right now. Heat up some olive oil on halfway heat and when it’s shiny, throw in some ginger and onions that you already peeled and chopped. I’m not teaching you how to chop. Use a pizza slicer or your fingernails. Cut on a plate. I don’t care and neither will your taste buds when you taste this magnificently basic curry.
Step 4: When the onions start to look yellow and squishy, throw in some chopped up garlic. If you’re weak maybe you put in one clove. If you’re strong put in like six. Choose your own adventure. PS garlic is easy — don’t watch any of those stupid garlic peeling tutorials or buy that dumb garlic eight ball shaker. Just squish a clove with your knife, pull off the husk and maul it.
Step 5: Throw some spices in with the onions. I’m not telling you how much because it doesn’t matter. Don’t use a freaking measuring spoon. Martha Stewart just wants your money. Use a regular spoon and just keep things proportional. If you’re low on olive oil, add some until you aren’t. Have you been stirring? You should have been stirring but it’s fine. Start stirring now. When you can smell the spices, you’re done with Step 5. Yay you!
Step 6: At this point, you can either lower the heat of your pot or pull out a slow cooker with a low and slow setting. My slow cooker has three legs and no brain, so don’t freak out about this. If it works it works. Add the tomato-or-curry paste, can of coconut milk, vegetables and protein chopped into whatever play-doh shapes you fancy, and enough broth to cover all that junk up. Maybe some water if you run out of broth because you DIDN’T LISTEN earlier.
Step 7: Stir it, set it to low heat, cover it and walk away. If you’re using a pot, let the whole thing cook for 30 minutes and check it; repeat. If you’re using a slow cooker, set it to low for six hours or set a timer on your iPhone to wake you up from a drool nap like I do. Stir it again, eat some without burning yourself and see if you like it. If you do, you’re done. MUCH COOKING. VERY CURRY. WOW!
Step 8: Oh shiz, we forgot to make rice. OWN THAT CHOICE. This stuff tastes bomb all on its own.*
- *But maybe still make some rice overnight while you dream of hosting your own Top Chef/Project Runway crossover show (Make a blouse out of BEETS you cow!) and then take it to work tomorrow. This stuff should last you at least three meals so you don’t buy a crummy sandwich from that overpriced deli you’ve paid 10% of your salary this week.
- *You don’t know how to make rice? Okay, this is the ONE STEP in cooking that’s actually WAY easier with the device that claims to solve all your problems. Do not hypothetically spend two hours bent over a hot plate burning your only Ikea cooking pot and hydrating your rice with tears because no one did that once obviously. Sub step 1: Buy a rice cooker - any rice cooker. Sub step 2: grab a coffee mug, because measuring cups are for tools, and fill it with rice. Hurl it in the rice cooker. Sub step 3: fill the coffee mug with water and shotput that in too. Do it one more time. Just remember that rice needs a 2 waters to 1 solid ratio, no matter how much you use. Brown rice is high maintenance so it gets a little extra. If you hate starchy texture, fondle the rice under a waterfall first. Sub step 4: put the lid on the rice cooker, flip your switch to cook and walk away. DON’T TOUCH IT. I know you want to touch it. Wait patiently for all your slothy dreams to come true.
- *PS always wait for your food to cool down before you package it in the refrigerator, otherwise it will grow a Swamp Thing in your belly.
Step 9: Take the food off the heat and savor the taste of victory! High five yourself with a spoon! The food wants to be inside of you!
Step 10: You’re still reading? Why aren’t you eating?!? Come back again if you get bored and we’ll make something new.
Until next time, fellow sloths. I love you dearly.
