Red Fathers and Blue Daughters Bridging the Political Divide
By Kate Isaacs and Kara Penn
As our country reels from bruising fights about abortion, gun policy, and the events of January 6, most Americans at least agree that our growing political hatred is a problem. People from both parties see the other side as evil, brainwashed, and a threat to the nation’s well being.
Fueled by selective media coverage and social media echo chambers, our collective sense of the issues facing our nation, and even our shared understanding of what constitutes “truth,” have eroded to the point of great collective peril.
Asks retired Republican judge Michael Luttig in his sweeping analysis of America’s war on democracy, if we are to revive America and the American spirit, where do we begin?
We begin, he says, “by talking with each other, and listening to one another again, as human beings and fellow citizens who share the same destiny and the same belief in America and hope for her future.”
As blue daughters of red fathers, we know how much easier this is said than done, especially in close relationships that straddle the political divide. Professionally, we help others transform conflict and build collaborative solutions. Personally, for years we couldn’t talk politics with our families without someone getting angry.
But as we watched the nation’s polarization accelerate, we decided to try again. In partnership with our colleague Benjamin Swift, we created the Listening Challenge, a conversation guide based on social science research with four elements that anyone can use for dialogue on controversial topics.
The Challenge is one of more than 400 efforts in the Listen First Coalition, which brings Americans together across differences to listen, understand each other, and discover common interests. This was our experience using the Challenge to break through a decades-long impasse and begin to bridge the political divide within our own families.
Listening Challenge Step 1
We and our fathers first agreed to the Challenge’s listening ground rules. The first set of questions took us back in time to share how our life experiences connect to our present-day political beliefs.
Kate’s dad talked about many things that she never knew — like how being bullied in Catholic school shaped his views about national safety and security. Kate felt for the first time that her father listened to how her early environmental interests inform her political views today. Sharing these stories promoted dignity in each other’s eyes, as well as deeper self-reflection for the teller and greater empathy on the part of the listener.
Listening Challenge Step 2
The second Challenge step asked us to talk about what we love about America, our fears about political division, and our hopes for our lives and the country. This part of the Challenge brought us to realize how our personal values and visions for a good life were more aligned than we had thought.
Kara heard how the once-liberal political views of her father, a Vietnam War vet, were reshaped by the country’s polarized response after he returned home. Kara discovered that her dad’s vision for America was surprisingly similar to her own and she shared a lot in common with him about what is important in life. She recognized some of the values he had imparted to her — an ethic of hard work, compassion, and a desire to give back.
Listening Challenge Step 3
The third part of the Challenge invited us to reflect more critically on our own views, and pushed us to notice at least one thing that we thought the other side was doing right. Questions included: Are there any parts of your side’s policies or actions that you do not agree with? What is one thing you like or agree with about the other side’s candidate or policies?
We realized in our many frustrating father-daughter conversations that people don’t change their minds just because we confront them with contradictory facts. A better approach is to invite them to reflect more deeply on their own thinking. We embarked on the Listening Challenge hoping to change hearts and minds. We were surprised to discover that two of those hearts and minds are our own.
As Kate and her father delved into the divisive topics of immigration and voting rights, both admitted the other person had some valid points. She realized that she sometimes expressed contempt for conservatives’ views, and realized she needed to bring more curiosity to conversations with people across the aisle.
Kara’s conversations with her dad opened the door to more deeply understanding each other’s perspectives as opposed to debating the validity of the other’s views with an intent to win. She realized how she unintentionally showed up as dismissive of perspectives different from her own and vowed to develop new habits that align with her values.
All parties in the dialogue experienced what organizational psychologist Adam Grant calls “change talk” — reflective openings in thinking that allow views to become less right-and-wrong polarized, and more complex in the ability to see nuances and other perspectives on an issue.
Listening Challenge Step 4
The last Listening Challenge step asked us to step onto the same side to fight a common enemy — our nation’s problems and our fraught political divide. This was an energizing part of the conversation, in which we generated many ideas for how Americans could have more productive conversations and how our elected officials could get things done that we all want.
Will listening solve our nation’s deep conflicts on guns, abortion, and the events of January 6? Not entirely, but it is a start to reconnecting in a more open-hearted and respectful way; realizing we have more in common than what divides us; and learning more about our own and others’ points of view.
Listening does not mean we have to agree. It does not mean we stop fighting passionately for what we believe, or fail to hold others accountable for lies and wrongful acts. It means we try to understand what other people really think, and why they act the way they do. No one can lose from greater understanding.
Kate Isaacs is a lecturer at the MIT Sloan School of Management and an alumna of MIT Sloan. Kara Penn is owner and principal consultant at Mission Spark and an alumna of MIT Sloan.