“That time I got banned from the gym — Part One”

It all started at Katelyn’s birthday party on Saturday. Jen and Dana started making plans to work out the next day at Orange Theory — a trendy new “high intensity interval training” gym that I had heard them talk about before. They piqued my interest with comments about how many calories they had burned in an hour and talk of scoreboards posted in the gym.

“I’ll go with you tomorrow morning. I’ve been meaning to try that gym,” I blurted out confidently.

Smile.

Eye contact.

Play it cool with a self deprecating joke about how out of shape I am.

I was in! We were meeting tomorrow for the 9:30am class.

Neither making friends nor being athletic come easily to me. I was really proud of myself for boldly stepping outside my comfort zone.

I was also excited about trying Orange Theory. I had already enthusiastically told two friends about the gym since Dana’s husband Donovan told me he burned 1100 calories in one hour!

The rest of the day I pep talked myself about my new resolution to work out.

I agonized about what to wear. My workout gear was limited.

Could I handle the rowing machine in my *very* short running shorts? After all, I am 5' 10"!

Would I pull a Paris Hilton while rowing back & forth on the machine?

yes, that’s really my head on Paris Hilton’s drunk body (crotch removed — you’re welcome!)

Worse yet — what if I mooned someone while rowing? I know I’ve accidentally “cracked a smile” to my neighbors while gardening or picking up after our dog.

Long butt syndrome.

It’s a problem

for tall girls.

😳

Decide to keep pasty Irish ass under wraps.

Leggings it is!

Except I only have full length leggings, and I’m positive that I’m going to sweat like a pig in this high intensity class.

Which means…

I go shopping for capri length leggings with Maura (9) & Paul (4) — who is dressed like a pirate today — eye patch & everything!

Paul caresses EVERY mannequin in the store repeatedly, tries to walk around with a sports bra over his eyes, and keeps touching other women who are *trying* to shop peacefully WITHOUT offspring in tow.

I buy the first pair of capri length leggings I can find in my size.

$75

Ouch.

Resolve that new leggings are an investment in my future — a new healthier me — who takes time for herself and has friends! 🎉

Go home and feed family leftover pizza and garlic knots from the night before.

I don’t even microwave it.

Feel slight shame about eating pizza since I not only had pizza the night before, but I ate it for lunch at Katelyn’s birthday too.

Nobody’s perfect, right?

Decide to drown my shame in a glass of wine.

Okay, two.

…and popcorn while watching a movie with Mike & the kids.

Make that two bowls.

Tell myself not to feel too guilty about my poor eating habits because tomorrow I am making time for myself. I’m working out, and not just some lame yoga DVD like I usually do. I’m actually going to a trendy gym…with friends…in new $75 leggings!

My fat ass will look fantastic!

“Your ass looks amazing, Kate!”

“Thanks; it’s the leggings!”

Decide to get some rest except Charlie (2), who has been running a fever, wakes up crying.

Change Charlie’s diaper.

Get him some milk.

Let Charlie sleep in our bed.

He finally settles horizontally across the pillows between me & Mike.

Sleep all night with Charlie’s tiny feet kicking me in the neck.

Tomorrow is a new day. A better day.