A darker shade of love

Kate
Kate
Jul 22, 2017 · 2 min read

Confident as hell..my heart beating a million miles a minute, like it is going to beat out of my chest. Euphoric and an intense high. I walk into the meeting like I own the damn place. I ride home, speeding like crazy, weaving in and out of traffic like its a game. I look next to me, theres a car, the dude waving at me. I smile and put on a show. Singing at the top of my lungs. Feeling ontop of the world. I am confident, and highly socially inappropriate. I offend another handful of friends. Probably have everyone else worried. All with a face of innocence. Misguided truth.

My boyfriend turns and looks at me, sighs with basic annoyance at my presence, wanting to discuss whatever unrealistic goal i set my sights on at that time. Like a fire, exploding within me. I scream and leave the room. Speed down the street, tire marks up the street. All feelings burned into the atmosphere like the tyres on my car.

He begs for my return, offering refuge from my vehicle. I need reassurance. Hit me! I beg. Choke me like you mean it! Like you need the control! “ No” he responds with a look of horror in his eyes.

Fine, you clearly don’t love me. Delete my number and never speak to me again. He grows to understand and love the same dark desires I need to survive. Loose control and grab whatever is in my reach. Calm myself down, feel free of the noise.

Confident and euphoric I enter another day of dreaming big and craving risky activities. Needing a rush, nothing is enough.

Like a tornado of emotion and noise, the doubt casts over like a electrical storm. Lightning hits me, my eyes glaze over, I am about to turn, loose control. The noise has taken over, like a demon, I am possessed, dark and uncontrollable.

I wake the next day, conscious I am unaware of the storm I unleashed. But feeling calm like I have had a release, noise in my mind is soft I know I have unleashed hell.

The cycle continues. Like a battlefield, but only I am fighting myself.

I beg for pain… if you love me hurt me.. anyway possible, scream in my face throw me against the wall, make me bleed. Its the only way I know you love me. Why wont you show me love? Am I not enough?…

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