Deceitful devotion

Currently feeling pins and needles from my legs to my chest.. panic transcends and I have not heard a response. He does not care, he’s too busy, everything else is more important, bail and give up.. he doesn’t deserve you, you deserve love and he is not showing you this..

Panic inside my body is like lightening, pulsating and screaming soo loud I cannot ignore, then comes the shaking and chills..

Like an addict I need a response.

It has been one hour and 23 minutes. What could possibly take this long, my mind wonders, he’s been talking to someone else, he is cheating. I know he is, his face lights up whenever those sluts message him. Pretty much naked dancing around looking seductive. He jokingly brushes aside this and reasoned in a tired and unconvincing response, aw Sarah you are better than her.

I don’t believe him as I can tell from the formation of the statement he is still thinking about her and the things he wishes to do to her.

My heart breaks, I have a choice to ignore the truth or to be at peace with it or to simply lash out. I am aware lashing out does not give me the desired outcome I wish to achieve. I smile and politely acknowledge his remarks. To bide time to think of a way to achieve my objective.

Do I get surgery myself? Will that achieve the same response as she gets from him?

Do I accept the fact I am not attractive and pursue affection from my mind and common hobbies, is that enough for him not to wonder? Am I ok with his eyes wondering?

I guess my insecurities run rife.. the lingering feeling of disgust and inadequacy forces a feeling of neusia. I heave as my body wishes to get everything out of my stomach it feels soo disgusted in how inadequate my appearance must be.

I am empty, and the hunger pains ping within my body but it distracts from the feeling of hurt and betrayal.

I walk back into the room, he is on his phone again.. I no longer care whom has his attention. I am here now and must embrace and be grateful for any affection he may grant me with. It is my choice to accept this as my life.. I am not strong enough to leave but maybe tomorrow I may have the energy and maybe one day I may wake up, like a sleeping beauty for him to only see me and be as devoted as I with my desires.. pushing all my cravings and needs aside for his happiness.. because after all isn’t love just a biproduct of pain and sacrifice?

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