Fighting demons

Kate
Kate
Jul 22, 2017 · 2 min read

Trust… what is trust when your feelings take over, they act like a shield, protecting and expecting the worst in every situation. You dont accuse but merely feel the feelings upon any slight reminder of a past experiance.

How can you love when all you feel is hurt? Love is a hangover from pain of distant memories. The memories fade, yet the feelings remain. The darkness and the emptiness consumes.

I shake, my oxygen pushed out from my lungs, emptying, like all love and only pain remains. It cuts, like a knife deep into my stomach. Paralyzed from the emptyness I try to pass the seconds which feel like hours. Talking and yelling at myself to stop. The thoughts running through my head like a train, pushing out all other feelings and replacing with the emptiness. My mind then switches to survivial mode. End this… you no longer have to feel this dark uncontrollable pain, you wish for it to go… then do what you need to do.. You will enjoy the power of taking control of your mind. The thoughts are overwhelming and tempting. As I gasp for air, my mind switches, oxygen returns, my heart hurts, but the feeling is bareable.

I survived. The wave didnt drown me and I pushed through, I start to level again. Now thoughts are clearer, but I am exhuasted. Like I have run a marathon. My mind is still in a hangover from the extreme experiance. This is a weekly if not more frequent occurance.

I wish more nothing more than for it to stop. To forever be extremely happy and not feel such paralyzing emotions. Im exhuasted. Soo tired. I just need to be held, like I’am a loved child. Comforted and reminded that everything will be ok, I am loved and worthy of warm affection. I cry.. tears of sadness.. knowing how wrong this cycle is.. and knowing it can come back, at any point in all its ferocity. But for now, I'm free, until the next time it takes a firm grip around my throat… I smile.. embracing the freedom of the present, everything looking brighter, shinier and in owe of the feeling of numb and exhaustion.

Kate

Written by

Kate

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