The 9 Stages of a new Fall album

“Fall fans invented the internet. They were on there in 1982.” ~ Mark E. Smith

Grief: There is no new Fall album.

Shock: There is a new Fall album coming very soon-ish.

Anticipation: There hasn’t been a new Fall album in years/months/days/hours. I wonder what it will be like? I hope it’s not crap. I bet it will be their best ever! They’ve still got it — no, they lost it years ago and I only listen to Witch Trials really. Well, and that one last year was pretty damn good, so maybe this will be good.

Excitement: There’s a new Fall album coming! Did you hear? And they’re touring again. Did you see that YouTube video? I know it was blurry and you could only hear the drums and a sort of rahhhhhhr sound, but they looked like they should look, so I bet this album will be the best ever.

Confusion: It’s out? Now?! Which format should I get? I got the digital download because I don’t want to have to wait even a minute to play it. But maybe I should get the CD because otherwise how will people know I have the new Fall album? Maybe I need vinyl, too. Bloody completists! I’m not a completist. I don’t have that ’97 live bootleg. I have my limits. Maybe I should get the vinyl though. Vinyl’s making a comeback.

Disappointment: This is not as good as the best. Why do they go on? This isn’t even pop Fall good. I miss Brix. No, wait — it’s not cool to miss Brix. Or is it again? I wish I knew. What are the old geezers saying? Never mind. They hate anything that’s not ‘77.

Antagonism: What the fuck you saying? The Fall are not washed up! They’ll be here long after your Radiohead and Florence and the Machine are long gone. I do too like new music. What do you mean that’s not new music? What’s new? Oh I don’t like that vomitous crap.

Argument: No, see — your crappy group would not even exist if it were not for the Fall. You should get down on your knees and thank Mark E. Smith for breathing life into your pathetic little flash-in-the-pan band. Listen to that riff. That’s what they’re aping. Let me play it again, you’re obviously not listening. Hear that? The tape loop has been twisted and slowed just 13%. What do you mean you can’t hear it? Listen again. Why are you leaving?

Annotation: Yes, I got the reference to that advert, the Hanged Man, the German biker and Kirby, but did you notice the Shaun the Sheep nod? Right, okay — everybody got that, okay. No need to be a troll! Wait, who said we should combine the fan groups? Are you mad! Those imposters, mere imposters! Shut up, shut up!