FG…huh? 21? SQUIRREL!

DATING SUCKS — PART I

Can you really leave another person behind?

I mean, the obvious answer is that of course you can literally leave someone behind as in you elect to exclude them from a previously planned activity or you don’t pick them up at a predetermined time like you said you would or whatever. I mean, just ask my little brother about this since I was a huge jerk in high school and would literally leave him behind(sorry, bro, truly).

No, what I’m really asking is whether or not you think that we can leave behind another human being in a psychological, mental, and/or emotional sense. I used to think we could. Or I thought we could. I used to think that if I ignored someone long enough and hard enough, then they would cease to exist for me and would no longer make me feel bad.

I now know this to be wishful thinking since people, both good and bad, have a way of invading your psyche and staying with you long after you thought you forgot them or you left them behind.

It’s not that I have a lot of enemies or people I want to necessarily leave behind, but there are folks I think I should’ve gotten over by now and it’s just not working out that way. There are simply people that are a drain on my energy and I think not thinking about them would be helpful.

It’s not just other people, though. A lot of seemingly innocent reminders can appear throughout the day that, without cause or reason, quickly fling us into an ugly memory or a regrettable experience from the past. So, maybe a better question to ask is whether or not you believe these talismans will ever stop holding us hostage. For instance, when will I be able to cook again without feeling like I have to make something special every night that was better than what his mom cooked? When will I be able to do laundry and not feel stupid for hanging it on the line and not using the dryer? When will I not hate every Mazda 3 I see in every parking lot? When will I not hate golf? When will I be able to go back to Utah? When will I be able to ski without thinking, “Damn, the last time I did this he was probably consoling her, helping her, and finally realizing he hated me?”

Man, I’m just tired of being a hostage. All I can do, though, is keep doing. Make new memories. Create new experiences. Forget about the past. Maybe. Geez, I don’t know. Should I? Is there such a thing as moving on or is there only leaving more and more things behind?

Ah, forget it. I just need time.

DATING SUCKS — PART II

Wow, what if that’s it? I wondered absentmindedly as I puttered around before bed.

Then it really hit me. What if that was it? Was that the love of my life and I just let it go? I let it die and now it’s over and done with and that’s, just, it. I mean, is that so hard to believe?

Then I remembered to breathe since, as we all know, that’s the first thing to go when you’re in the throes of a full-on panic attack.

But you know what happened next? I slept.

I actually slept.

Or, put another way, I didn’t lose any sleep over this.

That’s right, folks: Instead of contemplating whether or not this would be the moment I’d look back on in the future and realize I would most certainly die alone (with or without a million cats, which is debatable since I’m more of a dog person), I smiled and thought, Well, if that’s the case, then at least I can stop dating.

And what a relief that would be given just how badly my last date went.

But before I go any further I want to be clear on a few things. First off, I know I’m difficult. Second, I know what I look like. I’m not a catch in any sense of the word. And that’s not meant to solicit pity or anything; it’s just the facts. Pure and simple. Additionally, I’m quirky. I’m also weird, particular, and whatever.

I’m me.

But I’m also trying to not be a quitter, which is one reason why I am drawing on my ‘resilient’ nature and going on dates. Yup. I’m dating. Not that I would call this last escapade a date since it was more of a walk in 16-degree weather with a ‘corresponding author’ (i.e. a dude who quit his job two months ago and has been unemployed ever since) and who claimed to have a great personality (i.e. compared to whom or to what I do not know).

I’m not trying to be a jerk, but it was pretty clear within the first 3.8 seconds of our meeting that we had absolutely nothing in common. To be fair, however, that was kind of the point. Kinda.

You see, per my mother, if I continue to date the same type of guys that I’ve dated in the past, then it would follow that I am doomed to continue dating losers for longer than their best-by date and that I will ultimately end up alone and quite possibly surrounded by 80 puppies.

I don’t want to ruin my chances at going out on more dates so I’ll quickly gloss over the nitty-gritty details of this latest experience and simply say that this boy-slash-guy (i.e. not a man, which is what I need) formerly worked (emphasis is my own) in a laboratory and now is working on publishing a paper (cf. corresponding author, whatever the f*** that is) about fibroblast growth factor or hormone 21. Yea. I’ll stop there since I had no idea what he droned on about for 45 minutes. All I know is that I chimed in a little about experimenting on animals. I think. I don’t know. Really. I think I said something, but I’m not sure what it was.

Seriously though, like I said, I don’t want to ruin my chances at finding another ‘love of my life’ by talking crap about people and I don’t want this blog to go all SATC so I’ll just conclude by saying that I’m trying to accomplish two things here:

(1) Change my pathological dating habits wherein I stop falling for losers (aka boys aka guys) who I ultimately end up supporting both financially and emotionally for longer than is good for them or for me (or for my checkbook) and instead date a man or at least someone who might be a little fun and a little less FGF21.

(2) Have someone take me out for tacos. Seriously. I am a cheap date people. Tacos and tequila. What is that? Like, $10? COME ON!