Waiting

I have never been very good at waiting for things. Now I am waiting for the results of a test I have no control over. I can’t prepare for it and it matters whether or not I pass. There are no resits for this particular test.

Having known something was wrong for sometime, I managed, after over a year, to get a GP to do a referral. A referral she screwed up and I had to chase up multiple times. All through this I tried to convince myself that I was over reacting. No one else seemed to care, so it must just be me being anxious.

Finally I see the consultant. He sits me down and explains that I need surgery right now. Not tomorrow. Right now. It can’t wait. Do I understand that is being said? Do I appreciate the seriousness of this? I keep saying I do and I want to get it done. He tells me again it can’t wait. There may be some serious consequences, but they have to do it 20 minutes later I am lying down, two strangers looking at my body, preparing to cut into it. I am trying to make conversation, realising the futility of it. I can’t convince these people to let me pass the test. I have to wait 2 to 3 weeks for the results of my tests. If I fail, there’s no revision and extra lessons. That’s it. They ask me, now after the surgery, if I have anyone with me. No. I cry. No one with me. I take the bus home. Alone.

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