5 Days of Shit Talk and Discussions About Dinner: An Artifact

NOTE: I lost my voice and couldn’t speak for 5 days. While at home, I used a Microsoft Word document as my primary means of communication with my fiancé, Mike. This is that document, in its entirety save a handful of noted redactions.

Can I give you a tour of all the things I did?

Can you connect to the lights? I can’t

It was working earlier I think youre connected

No I moved the watch zone because I will never wear my watch if it lives out there and all the cords looked really ugly

And that thing down there holds all our wedding stuff

That’s my sad dinner

You need a sports bra

Why are all your shirts so difficult

It was just really messy and I cleaned it up

I didn’t move anything I’ve seen you use, but I did put those two new controllers in that box up there

Ok

I put that cute little cord basket over there

That’s where cords and power blocks go

She’d eat it

But can we buy Cadbury cream eggs? No one likes them except me they’re like candy corn. People crap on the crème-filled ones

Yeah. They’re like ew it’s gross they like the plain chocolate little ones.

Reeses peesees\

So this thing was the impetus for my 2-hour organizing binge

It is a vintage magazine rack that had a price tag on it for like $40 but it had been abandoned and was out by some trash so I just picked it up and carried it home

On conselyea? Or whatever street crosses at variety

Withers?

Richardson is like really high up that’s where beco is

Okay but the thing has 2 sides so one side is puzzles and one is for your new Yorkers!

And it’s so pretty.

That’s the end of my tour

I have nothing new to report. Except that I ate some grapes! Red, I got them from hana w/ my sandwich last night to hit the delivery minimum.

I had an acai bowl for lunch. I had 2 breakfasts. I had oatmeal and an acai bowl.

I told you people would come!

Yeah I’m sure

I had din there and it was really good

MASS-CAR-Pwn

I started my taxes

I have to fill out a massive “tax organizer”

I know it’s insane. Just don’t think about it.

I would watch a thing, but I also can hide in here and watch a thing on your ipad if you w

It’s just better than my computer

It’s good, but the angle is annoying

What brand are they? They feel like paige

Last night I realized that we’re never gonna finish kimmy Schmidt together no I didn’t finish it there’s still more left and it was so so funny

Can big little lies be ours?

Holly says it’s great and I trust her TV opinions.

I was thinking this morning about westworld and how I’m really more “meh” on it the further I get from it. like I’m kinda annoyed it’s coming back and I’ll have to watch it.

Raw ginger

I’m sorry! I’ve been munchin on them all day

I’ve had a hard day

I read through ALL of maile’s shit

Can you tomorrow?

But you’ve gotta make sure you google image the hotels. Some insanely beautiful stuff.

When the hana food delivery guy called last night I LITERALLY couldn’t make a sound on the phone so I just had to sprint downstairs

Yeah it deteriorated really rapidly

Well my throat’s been hurting the whole time. and I never really felt better. My fever just went away.

You seem remarkably sober for having been drinking all day

It’s just so funny hearing you list the quantity of what you drank. If I had that I would be blacked out right now.

Did you just say he frat-texted you?

We have pantry moths. No it’s not good.

But I killed one today and one yesterday. They’re easy to kill. There are also traps you can buy

Do you wanna watch a thing? If not I might watch a thing in here. I don’t wanna keep pretending to talk.

She just likes to say what people want to hear

Also — she is NOT observant about people

[REDACTED: Shit talk.]

I can watch a thing in here if you don’t wanna watch a thing together

If there wasn’t a movie, what I would suggest we watch together is either Big Little Lies or OJ. But if neither of those sound appealing I can just watch something in here

I’m also gonna make my sad kate dinner

I LOVE GRAPEFRUIT

Can I watch HBO GO on your iPad?

Can I also watch Netflix?

Options are good.

I’m gay.

Should I just eat my grapefruit alone or should I make it into a grapefruit spinach salad?

Spinach doesn’t have protein

But you were right about the other things!

Let me just fire up our telephone here

This is how we talk now

I was just gonna say thank you for getting the things. That case is for apples ONLY stop it.

I can’t talk. Yesterday I was kind of able to talk but just didn’t, today I actually CANNOT.

You don’t have to be quiet but you can if you want!

It’s a good thing I’m a fast typer. I got on the hall of fame in my high school keyboarding class

What are vibrams

Sam Baldwin

Dirk?

Jamal

I’m gonna make some lemon ginger water tea

SHUTUP

It can be caused by a virus, bacteria, or GERD. And mine’s def a virus because it came with another thing and I still have other symptoms

What do you want? I kinda want like suzume but idk if they deliver. But also is getting ramen delivered a dumb idea? Probably.

What about pho? On grand?

Why am I always dying

I’d eat it

Grapefruit seed

Yeah I was thinking maybe grate some zest in the pancakes and then serve the slices w/ them

Sage?

Being outside is so stressful right now. I live in fear someone will say something to me, or look at me and I can’t reply in any way. I won’t be able to order and we’ll have to just stare at each other

The red squiggles bother me

Yeah I just want miso soup.

Sure let’s do that. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

We should order on my phone I think I have 30% off seamless. Today only

I’m gonna run the dishwasher unless you object

I think sushi is a good plan. Unless you’re not into it?

We ordered sushi once before the other might be saved on your seamless I think. Yeah! I think it was $$ but I have my deal. I mean it just was more than like $7

It was a while ago

Give me your phone the order has to be on there

Yeah but you can change them

I like seaweed salad

Haven’t you played sushi go??? maki roll is the regular ones that are like little coins. As opposed to a hand roll that is in a cone.

I like cold spinach. Okay.

It’s gotta be a lunch special. I don’t think it’s available bc it’s not lunch. But it’s all grayed out

It’s really really hard when you’re talking to me to not respond. No, we just shouldn’t talk that much bc it increases the likelihood that I’ll respond.

But mike — we need to respond to Maile

I wrote all my thoughts in the email I sent you

I think if you do it tomorrow morning that’s fine. But she works quickly

Well I think the idea with that is we add in like tours/etc. that is basically just hotels. We’ll have food, transit, activities

It’s the sunniest one. And I think it’s the one we saw a pic of with that crazy V-shaped beach

And the notion that we might want to see if we can swap Athens and santorini

That’s the one I told you to google

That and the two santorini hotels

But isn’t the loose outline version in package 1 basically what we want? The hotels/transport booked.

Well that’s what I’m saying — we write to her and say we like package 1 can you pull in these elements from the other packages

Ok

Yeah we can always add it later yeah.

Those are both santorini. So we’d have to pick 1. Yeah, I

Either is fine w me

What’s the movie called?

What’s it about?

Either is good

I didn’t know Derek was coming.

Is he staying with us?

I coughed a little bit and it felt like my throat wasn’t just a desert with a tiny little air hole in it

Last night my lymph nodes were like golf balls. I should’ve woken you up last night you would’ve been able to tell.

I mean just feel yours, then feel mine. Yours should feel slack, with a slight bump underneath. Mine are harder balls that protrude.

Yeah I’m just saying it was like extreme.

When I had mono in high school they were so big and it came on so suddenly that when I woke up in the middle of the night I panicked and thought I had a tumor. It was INSANE and I’d never heard of lymph nodes swelling before. Luckily I lived with my parents because I was a kid.

It’s not mono

I’ll make tea in a sec

[REDACTED: Shit talk]

Don’t worry I won’t sit here for a long time

So I had an idea on what I wanted to eat later but idk* if you’ll be excited about it

*you won’t

I wanted to make myself a 6-year old lunch. Tuna sandwich and carrot stick and orange slices. And maybe crackers. Do 6-year-olds eat those?

It’s snowing again!

If I don’t talk tomorrow I’m going to freak out.

Isn’t diphtheria in the TDAP vaccine

No I’m just saying I can’t have it right

What I have is “aphonia”. Which is not normally a symptom of laryngitis unless it’s very severe. And I don’t think aphonia should last this long. It’s been 3 full days

It said she typically responds in 2 business days

Yeah but she might say something reassuring

[REDACTED: Shit talk]

I wanna do mixed metal, since I wear a lot of gold jewelry. So trying to see what that would look like

[NOTE: Here, I begin typing to Derek, a houseguest.]

So this is how me and mike have been communicating!

But anyway, I haven’t spoken since Sunday, and I’m going INSANE!

And apparently I’m not supposed to drink, so I haven’t even been able to get silently drunk. There’s like nothing to be done.

But I felt kind of better this morning so I’m gonna stay in tonight and hopefully be able to hang tomorrow? Idk , sucks

I’d be down

Umm I’m gonna take a shower, but make yourself at home, I assume you have but like whatever do your thang bro

[NOTE: Derek made himself at home. Approximately 24 hours later, I spoke.]