An Open Letter to Myself, In Recovery

You’ve been learning recently how very much you do not have it figured out. And, how very much that is perfectly okay. No one is telling you to get it together. No one is telling you to stop stumbling. No one is telling you that you have reached your destination, and that the time of learning is over. No one is telling you that you must now have it figured out.

Other humans are not telling you this, because they have their own heavy, deep, consuming burdens to bear. They are hurting and stumbling and not-having-it-figured out just as much as you. They only notice when you are there, burdened, right alongside them. If you are steps behind or steps ahead, they generally don’t have an opinion about it.

Nature is not telling you this because you are just a drop in the ocean of life, moving along as you should amidst the cycle of nature, the Circle of Life. If you have it all figured out, in the eyes of Nature, that means it would be time to return to dust.

The Universe is not telling you this because it knows the whole beautiful trajectory of your life. It knows your life story, where you have come from, and where you are going. Besides, what would be the point of the Universe and the all-knowing eyes of Whatever is Out There if we had our shit together?

And last, darling, your Soul would never, ever tell you to have it all figured out. Because your soul knows how very much you have learned in your still so short life. It knows that not long ago you thought that life wasn’t worth showing up to, and that it was better to shrink your body and shrink your mind and shrink your stomach than to cause even so much as a ripple in the Universe.

Your soul knows that, one day, you decided you wanted to show up, just a little bit. You wanted to know what it was to love, and be loved by another. And you put your heart out there, a little bit at a time. But you were so afraid of being seen for what you were. You were so afraid that you weren’t ready yet, that what you were was not good enough to take up space. You stayed small, but you started growing, just a little. You started grasping for a dream to hold onto, because until then, it was too scary to even have that. Nothing felt quite right inside, though, so you kept trying a different dream, and then a different one. Each time, you got a little closer to your soul. And you grew in body and mind.

You decided to jump into love, with both feet. You thought that love meant changing everything to make someone else happy. This hurt your soul. It kept it small, even as you grew in heart and mind and body. Love broke your heart, and your mind, and your body. But each time, you pulled yourself up and kept going, kept feeding yourself and loving yourself, and your soul was so proud. But still so small.

Your soul is patient, though. It knows that you are trying to let it be seen. You want it so badly, in fact, that you take tiny, tiny steps for fear they will lead you farther from your soul. This is okay. You don’t have to have it all figured out. You have come so far, and you are still ever moving forward. You know now how to connect to your body, and to ground into your root. You know that you need to allow yourself to feel, even the painful emotions, and that if you just breathe in and breathe out, you will get through them. You know that you are meant to be in alignment, and that nothing is ever worth saying if it does not come from your soul. You know that what you offer is authenticity and honesty and healing and love and compassion and space and joy and a realness that often leaves you feeling alone because it is more real than the world is ready for. You know that you can do nothing less than these things, though. You have to show up as big as you are. You cannot hide. You cannot be small.

And this, my darling, is the greatest victory. You have figured out how to be alive.