A woman who loves to carry a mute phone, wishes to walk alone for miles and just be….

In my early twenties I was pretty much okay in understanding how to do certain things, but sadly never bothered to think why I would do those things. I am a spouse and a mother now and to disappoint some clichéd speculations, don’t have any major disturbances in life. Yet, when I go for a vacation, I love to walk alone. In fact, I look forward to walking alone. And it’s not about social non-conformity. Yes, I have a family and I do the needful every morning to keep it going. But at the end of the day and in the middle of it, I take time — my time — seriously and do not entertain interferences. I also live in a social environment which tries to be women-friendly and hence, tolerant. Just that when you have to tolerate, you don’t look forward to make a long-lasting relationship.

I like to go out on my own for an early morning walk whenever we are vacationing. And I see some curious eyes when they find out, later on, that I have a full fledged family too. In restaurants, frequently enough, the waiter invariably places the medium rare steak in front of my spouse and the stir fried mixed veggies in front of me. It’s a socio-cultural thing here wherein the vegetarian meekness mostly refers to the women and the non-veg boldness refers to the menfolk. No harm in that, just that the times have changed centuries back and I still have to change plates to satisfy the social, culinary and civic appetite.

Talking about social norms, I cannot decipher the reason of consistent confusion about a mother and a wife, who not only wishes to travel alone sometimes, likes to sit alone often in a beach, talks less and walks a lot, but also actually likes it. Just because I am incidentally a role-performing woman, I don’t need to be someone I am not. Or do I? And only because I am a woman, I am not biologically programmed to be a patient, compromising and saintly figure!

Yes, I am a mom alright but I still have a good time with friends talking about anything but toddler tantrums, school calendar year or developmental milestones. I am a spouse yet I love to catch up with my bunch of friends all by myself and do not see the reason of judgemental remarks. Entering into a new sphere of family life doesn’t change your existence. It does change your sphere of responsibilities though which calls for some wise adjustments.

Mothers are creators and the energy and perseverance they have, should wrap them like a positive radiance. But at times, it seems that this energy is overwhelming and sucks the very spirit of the bliss of creation. It shouldn’t be like that. I feel good to be in company of many women around me who are not eternally patient or illogically receiving. No matter how weird they might seem to be from a decrepit societal perception, they speak up, do not entertain soggy sympathies and move on.

You see, you accept things for a certain amount of time to keep peace and uniformity, but you don’t abandon your personal existence to do it. Because, trust me, peace and compromise are not mutually inclusive. When you leave your share of morsel for a not so hungry mouth, you become that voluntary symbol of sponge that absorbs every shit that comes its way. I am sure every woman is certainly more than that!

I spend seven days of the week doing regular chores from potty cleaning to story telling. But that doesn’t alter anything. Be it people’s voluntary judgements, advices or be it their surprising ignorance. There is no way your words or visible emotions can make a scratch on anyone’s common conscience. You are bound to invoke polluted smoke of criticism through every action which is solely intended to make YOU feel more human and less a social machine. Well, I take that reproval with a grain of salt. Actually I take it with the entire shaker. Because after a certain period of time and age, you don’t see any fucking reason to fake anything you abhor.

However, all this is not a mere exhibit of gender discrimination or fair share of liberty. Being bold is not a statement. Preserving my own self amidst the drudgery of regularity is the way I would like to do things every morning. This to me is courageous because I have seen so many women leaving their ways midway to make space for people they love or don’t. When you are courageous enough to come out of your scare shell, you surely piss off people around you. But thankfully, you don’t whiplash your wishes to a dark dungeon at the cost of being in a non-sensical hypocrite social herd.

Every morning when I tell a new story to my toddler and prepare her for school, my mind also plays with a line from a blog, might as well be from this one, or a news piece I read or a unique photograph I saw the previous night. I am not concerned about my cognitive quality at the time because it doesn’t mean much. But I do look forward to the space and time wherein I would sit down, write my thoughts, read something or learn a new ukulele chord.

So what’s the bottomline? And why the hell should anyone care? There’s definitely no definite reason to read this piece unless you have been through the same share of shit which everyday life offers you. I am not interested in denying the monotone of regularity. Nor am I trying to negate the convention of socially acceptable ways of living. But if you are a person like me, who misses her child when she leaves for school every morning, who never misses to place the dinner on table every night, and waits patiently for her own hour of solitude, then I hope you would understand the impulse that worked behind this piece.