Can You Feel Feminine While Being A Boss Ass Bitch?

By: Katherine Itacy, Esq.

Remember when there was talk of the “Oscar curse” or the “Oscar love curse” being a thing? That those who’ve won the “Best Actress” or “Best Supporting Actress” Oscar end up getting dumped or divorced?

According to Britain’s Mirror magazine, almost 160 women (or 60% of the “Best Actress” recipients since 1936) have been plagued by this affliction, including the likes of Sandra Bullock, Halle Berry, Kate Winslet, and Julia Roberts.

The story is that the men can’t handle the success and fame of their powerful, talented female partners.

And I have to say, I think there’s a bit of truth to the phenomenon…

Before meeting and marrying my beloved Yvens, I was with my college sweetheart for thirteen years (married to him for six of those years). This man would brag to his friends, family, and co-workers regarding my accomplishments as a female hammer thrower and twenty-pound weight thrower, and later, as a criminal defense attorney, but in private, developed a searing resentment towards my badass-ness. As if the strength I possessed and achievements I made somehow took away from his ability to do the same…

In the sage words of Ms. Toni Braxton, “He wasn’t man enough for me.”

But my ex wasn’t the only man I’ve encountered who’s been intimidated or felt threatened in some way by either my accolades, my ‘status’ as the owner of her own law firm, or my physical strength. Albeit, this was all pre-CrossFit days, when being a female bodybuilder or cross-trainer was yet to be seen as being boss.

During my eight years in track and field, I was powerlifting like a linebacker. In other words, I was swoll AF. By the end of my career, I’d gained over seventy pounds since the day I began. I even had to buy men’s jeans in order for my pants to fit over my tree-trunk legs!

The feminist in me has always outwardly acted as if none of their rejection, jealousy, or resentment bothers me. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t. While I was firmly committed to my sport, I was still hurt by how invisible and/or unladylike I seemed to the opposite sex.

Sadly, a big part of me has always been concerned about how “feminine” I appear to men. As if I’m sporting a Victorian-era corset, petticoat and bustle skirt. (In reality, it’s more fit-and-flare dresses, but you get the point…)

I can’t exactly pinpoint when this desire sparked within me, or why its flame hasn’t been snuffed out at this point, but I know it’s there, and I know I’m not the only woman to feel this way.

Why, with all of the advancements women have made in the workforce and in athletic arenas, do we still give a shit if a man isn’t ready for all this jelly? (I know…another crazy out-of-date reference…)

There are a great deal of feminist men out there, secure within themselves, who would love to be with a boss ass bitch. So who cares if there are still men out there who can’t handle in strong, independent woman?

…Well…I care. I still prefer being smaller than my mate; being held and protected by my man. It makes me feel feminine. It makes me feel dainty, like I’m more of a woman. Is it just a matter of preference, or am I perpetuating cis-normative stereotypes of how a “woman” should act, especially with regard to how she should act around a man?

I’m not hating on femininity, nor am I suggesting that femininity and strength or achievement are mutually exclusive. But if you’re a cis female interested in a heteronormative relationship, do you have to sacrifice one for the other? If you’re legit in your field, does your romantic life need to take a hit? If you’ve got a relationship, do you need to stifle your power in order to keep your man?

This really shouldn’t be a question when we’re months away from starting the third decade of the twenty-first century, but alas, the question remains, in large part, unanswered.

Obviously, a lot of work still needs to be done regarding how gender roles are taught in this country. And a great number of men need to get over their shit and learn to love, honor, and respect all women, including, but not limited to, boss ass bitches.

But women also need to do their own part on this issue. We need to love, honor, and respect ourselves; to not care what anyone else thinks of us or our skills. Yes, it’s okay to want the respect and love of others. But you cannot and must not limit, weaken, or dumb yourself down in order to receive it.

If you’ve considered why you want to feel “feminine,” and have found that by acting feminine, it’s not going to take away from any of your other amazing qualities, then by all means — go for it! Fem it up! Serena Williams is a boss ass bitch — maybe the boss ass bitch — and she’s been seen rocking a tutu on the court while flexing her gorgeous muscles. She is the epitome of a feminine boss ass bitch!

But if you’ve given it some thought, and have come to the conclusion that femininity comes at a higher cost to your personal worth than you’re willing to pay, then you might want to reconsider how much value you attribute to this concept of femininity.

I support any- and everyone’s right to rock a tutu — male, female, or otherwise identified. Who wouldn’t want to look like Serena Williams?? But cis females really need to give some deep thought as to why we continue to value traditional feminine ideals, and I’m including myself in that directive.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kate is a disabled former criminal defense attorney living with her husband in Detroit, Michigan. Her memoir, From National Champion to Physically Disabled Activist: My Lifelong Struggles with a Diseased Body, and the Lessons it Has Taught Me Along the Way, is currently being considered by literary agents for representation.

She hopes that the book will empower young men and especially young women, with or without physical disabilities, to strive towards their goals and to view life’s obstacles as opportunities for self-growth, not as barriers.

You can email Kate directly at contactkate@katherineitacy.com.

To follow Kate on social media, visit and subscribe to/like her blog, Instagram page, Tumblr page, Twitter page, Google+ page, or her LinkedIn profile.

In addition to her blog, Kate also hosts and produces a podcast entitled: “Hear Me Roar — with Kate Itacy.” You can find the podcast’s website at http://hearmeroarpodcast.com.