Why Going To The Beach Is Actually Awful

It was a frigid, two-toned wind highway with an emotionless sun.

This was the cause of social media’s sensationalistic obsession? What had possessed the majority of the population to flee to the edge of the continent to expose itself to such natural abuse?

Needless to say, the beach in the middle of March after the country has experienced blizzards only a few weeks prior is a less than euphoric experience. Yet some unseen power has hypnotized people into wearing bikinis in 60 degree weather. They are, in fact, smiling in all the Instagram photos.

And in the summer, when the sand reflects the UV rays and skin is charred to a painful, lobster complexion, praises are still sung to the coastal situation.

Why are people so obsessed with the ocean?

It’s crowded, sweaty, gritty, loud, boring, windy, sticky, stressful, and dangerous. You’d think people would shun such a propagator of discomfort — especially after seeing Jaws. And don’t get me started on the turbine-esc winds . . . However, these realities are ignored and replaced with terms such as “beautiful,” “soothing,” and “heavenly”— even when all three kids screamed the whole way there.

We haven’t even begun to cover the stench of rotting sea creature corpses strewn upon the prickly sand.

So what pixie dust exists in the harsh exterior that is the beach that melds so smoothly with a tortured 9 to 5 soul?

Ironically, it is the subconscious effect of sea that mingles with strained mental and physical state to produce a counter-intuitive relaxing effect.

The ocean is a visual edge. It’s a place where horizon lines meet without anything to interrupt them. This is something we humans, trapped in our suburban mazes, rarely see. That amount of unreachable space, that infinity, is freeing visually and thus mentally. Aesthetically, the ocean is limitless, opening up a place to breathe.

Secondly, the sea is rhythmic in its sounds and motions. It creates a cadence that is safe, lulling even. White noise is soothing and provides a platform for one’s mind to unravel the stressful situations grating on the subconscious. In fact, many find white noise in spark greater creativity and deeper sleep patterns.

In addition, the uncomfortable feelings found in sticky salt water, constant sweat, and sloughing sand act as a literal spa treatment for the body. They clear away the old and dead exterior on our worn bodies. The salt works as a muscle relaxant and the water takes away some of the weight of our own shells for a while. The extremely tactile nature of the beach gives our senses something to focus on that is elemental, new, and stimulating.

Finally, it’s simply special. It’s a change and a rarity — a socially defined release. Whether this means the relaxation is due to a preconceived notion or to actual science is irrelevant. The effect is the same and has been the same for hundreds of years. The sea soothes.

Thus, despite the superficially uncomfortable nature of the ocean, its prickly personality and developed reputation make it an unlikely but effective place of healing.

So, after that long week at work, pile all 3.5 children into the backseat with the boogie boards, sand shovels, towels, water bottles, (did someone pack Josh’s floaties?), and drive to the edge of the world. When you get there (after having had to turn around 2 times for forgotten accessories) only to find a billion other people, blistering sun, relentless gusts, and smelly fish, take a deep breath and remember . . . this is good for you.