Dear man-spreaders of the universe,
I’ve recently been informed that “ball room” is not only a term for a type of dancing or a place where awkward teenage parties, over budget weddings, and effortful networking conferences occur, but also a critical factor in your pants.
I suppose I get it. If I had two sacs of skin hanging and banging around between my legs, I would likely not want much contact with them either.
But given the advances we have in design and textile development, I have to imagine that some of you oh-so intelligent creatures could do yourselves the tremendous favor of making pants, underwear, slings, whatever — to at last get your balls into a comfortable position that relieves you of the pressing need to unfurl yourselves in order to sit comfortably.
Not only do the seats on public transit make it patently obvious that each person is allocated a certain amount of space, but it’s common knowledge that sharing is caring and #alllivesmatter, so we’re all just as entitled to legroom as you and your balls are.
Beyond the discomfort imposed on the women shoved aside by your outstretched legs, it’s an eyesore for observers. Regardless of the viewer’s gender or sexual orientation, your crotch gaping wide is not an enticing or enjoyable sight.
So please, mind the gap.
This piece was written in response to an exercise to “write a rant” while I was at a week-long creative nonfiction writing retreat in Wales last week.
After we shared our rants with the group, which was hilarious & tremendously varied, we recorded them as part of a faux podcast. Maybe I need to add in an audio clip here of me reading my rant.