Trump Stabs Clinton with Microphone Shiv During Debate; Blames Media

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump stabbed former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in the back with the bottom of his microphone, which had been sharpened into a deadly weapon, during Sunday’s night presidential debate.

Secretary Clinton is expected to make a full recovery. As she was being strapped into a gurney on live television, Mr. Trump continued to shout at her, the paramedics, and the moderators, blaming all of them for distracting from his “awesome answers. The best answers of all time.” At one point, Mr. Trump told the paramedics on the scene that they had no idea what they were doing, and Secretary Clinton would be better off in his hands.

Secretary Clinton responded that President Trump would grab no part of her without her permission, at which point the audience would presumably have applauded, but they had all fled in abject horror following the stabbing. Mr. Trump continued to interrupt the paramedics as they tried to ask Secretary Clinton about her condition.

“She’s fine,” Mr. Trump said. “Overly emotional. Like a woman. You were born here, right? Just making sure,” Mr. Trump said to one of the paramedics.

Moderators Anderson Cooper and Martha Raddatz were both visibly shaken by the sight of Secretary Clinton bleeding on a gurney while Mr. Trump continued to shout answers to questions no one was asking.

When Ms. Raddatz asked Mr. Trump why on God’s name he had just stabbed Secretary Clinton, Mr. Trump denied having stabbed her.

“Mr. Trump, you literally stabbed her on live television,” said Ms. Raddatz. “We have the footage. There’s no way you can deny—”

“I’ll tell you what happened. You’ve got it all wrong,” said Mr. Trump. “Hillary backed into my microphone. It’s not sharper than a normal microphone. If it was sharper than a normal one, which it’s not, it’s because you gave me a defective microphone. She walked into it, and then she collapsed because she has no stamina, and the mainstream media is ganging up on me, like they always do.”

When Mr. Cooper pointed out that Mr. Trump had very clearly turned his microphone into a shiv, Mr. Trump steered the conversation back to America losing jobs to China.

“You know what’s sad? This microphone was probably made in China, because that’s where all of our jobs went. If an American had made this microphone, Hillary won’t be on her way to the hospital right now, I can tell you that much.”

Debate viewers roundly condemned Mr. Trump’s violent attack on Twitter and other social media platforms, with the notable exception of Mr. Trump’s supporters, who have taken to proudly calling himself The Deplorables.

“Told you she wasn’t fit to be president,” one self-proclaimed Deplorable tweeted. “Can’t even handle a little stabbing.”

“We love you Trump!!!!” Tweeted another supporter. “We all know women r not ppl. You showed that lying murderer!”

Mr. Trump was arrested following tonight’s incident and is currently in police custody undergoing questioning. He somehow has continued to tweet while in custody, and says he absolutely will not consider dropping out of the race.

“If Crooked Hillary could delete 33,000 emails & not get caught, I’m not dropping out over dumb media setup!” Trump tweeted around 3am ET.

Reporters tried to reach vice presidential nominee Governor Mike Pence for comment, but his phone line had been disconnected. There were no lights on in his house, and his car was gone, though his garage door was left open.