Part 3 // Understanding Stalking
Breaking down the definition of stalking (see disclaimer below)
The generic legal definition of stalking is “… a pattern of behavior that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear. Each state has its own specific definition — click here to see your state law. To help understand the law, I relate my personal stalking experience to three key areas of the loose legal definition:
1. Pattern of behavior
2. Reasonable Person
3. Feeling fear
One instance is not a pattern and two or more is not a guarantee
It’s 2:14 a.m.
My newly adopted dog is barking. I bolt upright in bed, race to the window, and see the silhouette of a familiar man. The stalker is just beyond my backyard fence, standing in the public right of way behind my property line. This didn’t happen every night, but frequently enough.
I called the police, but he was gone by the time they arrived. In my sleep deprived state, I tried to explain that I was being stalked and then started sobbing as the words spilled out of me. My hands trembled, my shoulders shook.
“I don’t see any evidence of someone being back there, ma’am. Keep your doors and windows locked and call us if you have any more problems.”
That was it — no report filed.
Then an incident happened that felt like the stalker was escalating.
Walking out of the store, I remotely unlocked my car as I approached. I watched in horror as the stalker slithered into the passenger seat of my car. I’ll spare you the details, but this ended with an ominous warning: “You are mine and I don’t share.”
I had enough. It seemed the harder I tried to get him to stop, the more brazen he was becoming.
I numbered the growing list of incidents and created tabs for my binder with the corresponding documentation — receipts confirming date/time, photographs I printed from my phone. I transcribed the voice mails he’d left, downloaded the text messages, and printed off the emails. Armed with what I believed was indisputable proof a pattern of stalking behavior existed, I set out for the police department.
I steeled myself as I pulled into the parking lot of the police department. I smoothed out the blouse I had tucked into my jeans and walked inside. I was determined to have a calm, logical conversation to articulate the pattern of behavior using my neatly organized binder which — I was certain — read like a stalker’s playbook.
“Has this guy ever harmed you or threatened you in any way?”
“No. But I’m trying to keep that from happening. It’s why I’m here.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am. No crime has been committed.”
I pulled out a copy of the state law from my neatly organized binder. It had its own tab. I pushed it across the table, my bubble gum pink nail pointed to the line that read “… stalking is a pattern of behavior…” and held up my incident log.
“I understand your frustration. But what you have here,” he said, pointing to the incident log in my hand, “is a list you created. The receipts support the list, but it doesn’t prove he was there.”
“What about the cameras in my house I didn’t know about?”
“You said your technician indicated the lines were cut. There’s no way to know if cameras were ever there.”
“What about the photographs?” I took a deep breath to steady myself, even though my body wanted to leap over the table.
“This one,” he said turning pages in the binder to a photograph I’d taken from my rearview mirror. “You can’t see the driver’s face.”
“Okay. What about this one of him driving in front of my house. He often circles no less than five times.”
“It’s a public street and he has a right to drive down the road as much as he wants. No crime has been committed.”
“What about this picture of him in my backyard?” But the only time he would come in my backyard was at night, so the grainy pictures didn’t clearly show his face.
“Technically, that’s not your backyard. He’s beyond the fence and standing in the public right of way. No crime has been committed.”
“So you’re not even going to take a report?”
“No. Nothing to file a report on. No crime has been committed.” I scribbled down the officer’s name, date, and time on my incident log. I rushed out before he could see me cry.
Exasperated. Defeated. Scared. I left the police department feeling like they would only help if something happened to me. And I wasn’t going to let that happen without putting up a fight.
Reasonable Person
I’d like to think I’m a reasonable person, but this isn’t what this portion of the definition is referring to. Instead, it’s referring to how an average person in a similar situation would react. And what this actually means is it’s subjective — it depends on who you talk to.
What one officer might consider as a response from a reasonable person another officer might not. And what the officer might consider reasonable, the judge who will need to sign the warrant for the perpetrator’s arrest might not. And even what the officer and the judge consider reasonable, the prosecutor who will either accept or decline the criminal charge might not.
The bottom line is it’s subject to individual interpretation. And I found that when it’s subjective, it’s up to me to help them see that a reasonable person would feel fear based on the stalker’s actions.
But before I could do that, I wanted to make sure I was at least presenting myself as a reasonable person.
One of the side effects of stalking is the victim often feels like they are going insane. The chaos and disruption created by the stalker is often compounded by a victim’s inability to sleep. My polished exterior had become a cracked façade of my former self. I no longer curled my hair, wore make-up, or cared what I wore outside the house. I wanted to be as unattractive to the stalker as possible so he would leave me alone.
That night the police had come to investigate a man in my backyard, I realized that I not only sounded like a crazy person, but I looked like one. Fuzzy slippers, llama pajamas, and hair that resembled the frayed knot of a rope. By the time the officer arrived, I was telling him I saw a man in my backyard in between loud and obnoxious sobs. Although I was accustomed to public speaking, I couldn’t even string a full sentence together coherently.
Feeling Fear
Now that I had a strategy for the “reasonable person” part of the definition, I had to link the stalker’s actions to how it created fear. Sitting at my kitchen table, looking through my log of incidents it was clear to me that a reasonable person would be afraid. But it was my job to convince the police.
I changed the routes I drove to various places, shopped at a grocery store in a nearby city, stopped taking my dry cleaning and withdrew from hanging out with friends.
Out came a fresh sheet of paper where I listed all the steps I’d taken to keep myself safe. This new section of the binder was focused on my fear responses since I couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate why I felt fear. By showing the stalker’s actions and my corresponding response, I felt confident that a “reasonable person” would feel fear.
It was risky, but I went to my laptop and printed out copies of a map that showed my town. Using different color highlighters, I traced the varying routes from my house to places I frequented. For example, I had a map that showed the routes I’d alter to get to the grocery store out of town, showing the original, closer store I no longer shopped at. I added all the maps showing my route variations to a new section of the binder.
I added the invoice from the camera technician that had changed the password and identified the cut lines — a reasonable attempt to remove the stalker’s access. I also printed off the unanswered emails to the third-party car app company.
Now, I needed to focus on getting concrete evidence that clearly showed the face of the stalker.
Click here for Part 4 // Understanding Stalking — a 5-part series … follow me on Medium to see my latest articles.
Disclaimer: I’m not an attorney. I’m not an expert. I am a victim of stalking that will be using my personal experience to help others, like me, understand the legal definition of stalking. Nothing in this article, or previous/subsequent articles should be construed as legal advice.
