Kathryn Reiss
Jul 27, 2017 · 2 min read

Well, as someone who has counted you as a friend for about 32 years now, I must say I don’t feel tricked into liking you. I just DO like you. You are smart and interesting, always make me think more deeply about things… You are compassionate and fun to be with. I always feel we can talk for hours and hours when we’re together, even when it’s been a long time between visits. You have a lovely warmth, keen insights, and a calm at your center. I just plain don’t buy that you’ve been faking. That’s not something you can fake, even if somehow you THINK you’re faking.

And you know what? Sometimes faking it is the way to ‘making it’ — at least that’s what I tell my kids. You don’t like that teacher and don’t feel like doing the homework? Well, PRETEND you like the teacher and DO the damn homework anyway, because then you will get just as good results for yourself as if you really had liked the teacher. You don’t want to do your chores at home in a cheerful manner because you hate chores and think your mom is mean to make you do them? Well, DO the damn chores with a smile on your face and no talking back, and I will then give you your allowance and likely even drive you to the mall with your friend. And maybe you’ll realize along the way that actually that teacher isn’t so bad, and vacuuming and dusting the family room make the whole house nicer for us all, and the smile on your face isn’t fake anymore.

Faking it worked for me, too: When I was a new teacher and terrified to stand in front of a class, I took a deep breath outside the classroom door and told myself to PRETEND I was a really great teacher, and go in there and fake it. And it worked: the students liked me and listened and learned. I got great reviews. Eventually I got the salaried job I wanted. I got promoted to Full Professor. And along the way I realized I hadn’t been faking it for a long time.

I just don’t buy that your’re faking it, dear Sarah! I know my examples are shallow ones compared to the deep well of your innermost self that you feel has been tricking others. But I think it’s all part of the whole. I think you are genuinely a wonderful person. You might think you’re tricking your therapist, but I believe being able to do so proves that side of you is really, truly there — and not fake at all. So maybe the only person you’re really tricking is yourself!

    Kathryn Reiss

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