I am a middle-ish aged woman who finally after 46 years can now take a breath, something I have been advising a lot of friends and loved ones over the years to do… Just breathe. So, why is it that I could not do the same?

I wish I had a crystal ball…

My whole intention for posting this…My WISH is that I can help even One person.

I have been battling severe depression most of my life, on my own.

As a human being. Yes, I am human and flawed. I thought I could do it all by myself. Sounds like a 2 year old mentality, doesn’t it?

Well, it sort of is. We were all given free will. Which is Awesome! Except when we choose not to listen, again with the 2 year old thing!

I don’t mean listen to your parents. I mean listening to whatever or whomever you choose to call your Higher Power. I recently have accepted mine and I can tell you, for the first time in my entire life, I now feel calm and actually happy to be alive. I am thankful. They saved me. Yes, mine are a team! I am putting myself on display…

I am in a constant battle with crippling depression, have been most of my life. Like a sundae top it with a little sprinkle of PTSD (nope it’s not just for soldiers and those caught in war, TRAUMA IS WAR) and the cherry is anxiety disorder. What kind of depression, it’s exact name, ie; bi-polar, manic, etc… I do not know yet. Finally had a full psych with ink blots and all! However, still trying to get the results.

This is my blog, I do not intend on insulting anyone so if you are, stop reading and do not respond, simply I do not care if you are. This is mine. These are my thoughts and feelings. I am not PC or always correct, nor do I ever want to be. I am me. Love me or don’t, it doesn’t define me anymore.

That being said, I don’t know what “kind of crazy” I am yet. Maybe this is an outlet that will continue, I don’t know that either. If it is, then I will update with the actual “type” of depression I have. Not that it should make a difference!

I am willing to bet that most IF NOT ALL of my experience is going to mirror or emulate yours, or close enough to YOURS that I PRAY You do not for one second feel Lonely or All Alone anymore.

For some people it takes longer to hit bottom. For me, Luckily, it only took 10 months. In this ten months, which seemed like eternity to myself and everyone who cares for me, an Eternity in Hell.

I say luckily because I did not end up homeless (yet), I did not lose my cars (yet). But, I lost EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING THAT MATTERED TO ME.

I lost my career as a 9–1–1 Communication Specialist. I lost my husband, who I still love very much and will probably never get back. I lost my boys x2. Those who did not get removed or remove themselves, I pushed away. Let me be clear, I shoved them away. I refused any love! I felt I was not worthy. I was ashamed.

I had began to self medicate….

I know now that is what a lot of depressed people do. It IS NORMAL.

It is also VERY destructive.

I have learned a lot recently. I fantasized (thought) about suicide All the time! When asked, “at what age did I begin to think of suicide?” I had to stop and think, as long as I could remember.

That is sad. From the time I was a little girl until now a middle aged woman, I have had that demon in my head! Why? Who wants to live like that? I sure as hell didn’t. I never asked for this.

I kept this little dirty secret to myself mostly. Only the last couple of years has it started to “Poke” it’s head out of my back side and show itself. Unfortunately, I was in a proffesion of helping anyone else but did not know how to help myself. This actually is my personality, I take care of Everyone BUT me.

When I left….

When I lost my career my depression began to spiral out of control. I thought not having my job would make the stress less and therefore, naturally I would feel bettter, RIGHT? Wrong! I identified with my job. Something that I think a lot of career minded individuals do. I loved what I did and I was good at it. It was me. I never thought I would have to deal with suffering a loss. Not the same as a loved one, but close. In my proffesion, when you leave the field, you tend to leave the “Family”, sad but true.

When He left…

Very shortly after I left and lost my work “Family” my husband left me. Something I really did, now looking back without the fogged up glasses, see coming but, DID NOT EXPECT! After all, He promised he would never leave me, for better for worse, I was his other half, blah blah blah….

I do not blame him for leaving now. I do not know if his intentions were good or honest. I may never know. See, I met him online. He was from another country. I went to that country and spent time with him and his family. I felt like he and they loved me. It felt genuine, at least at one time.

I wish he would not have made promises he had no intentions of keeping. Which turned out to be every one of them!

I changed, not for the better. Maybe I changed so fast and so much for the worse that he could not allow me to take the Captive down with the ship.?. I just don’t know. Yes, I said captive. I was the Captain. I had the good job. I supported all of us. I had all of the burden, most of it. I was not fair. It was not all his fault either. I did my share of bad things and I too lied. I lied about taking his narcotics, clearly to him this meant I did not care.

I was trying to survive.

I wish now that he knew what I know. It is called Co-Diagnosis. This simply put, Depression + Self Medicating = A Fucking Disaster!

I wish he knew how sorry I am for EVERYTHING I DID WRONG.

I did not get to this lightly. I did not just continue to fantasize about suicide, I was Saved. I did TRY to end my life at least once during that 10 months. One time should have been successful, I WAS SAVED.

My higher powers have kept me here for a reason. I hope that it is to share my story with you and show you there is hope. There is a light at the end of this.

IT DOES GET BETTER IF YOU LET IT. you have to listen, still the storm.

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