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How to Tell if You’re a Russian Bot

Russian bots rigged my Nana’s Canasta game :(

Russian bots are the unicorns of our time. You hear all kinds of fantastical second-and-third-hand stories and a lot of people are obsessed with them, but you never seem to encounter one in real life.

Horses wearing rainbow party hats do not count.

If you are accused of being a Russian Bot several times a day (like I am), it’s time to do a little self-reflection and see if you really are one of these elusive yet all-powerful creatures.

Here’s a handy-dandy cheat sheet to help you make your determination.

  • The easiest way to confirm that you are indeed a Russian Bot is winning a debate with a centrist Democrat. Because we all know the establishment is always correct, the Democratic Party is above reproach, and Hillary Clinton is Mother Teresa in an ugly-ass pantsuit. So, getting the upper hand in an argument with one of HRC’s acolytes is PROOF POSITIVE you are Putin’s bitch.
  • Not only did you not support Hillary’s candidacy in 2016, you actively went forth on the interwebs and educated people on her record. Her horrible, corrupt, war-mongering record. How dare you tell the truth about Democratic nominees during an election? Only Russian bots do that!
  • You still slam HRC and the DNC for their theft of the 2016 Democratic primaries. “Get over it, Bernie Bro! We can cheat if we want it’s in the DNC charter! But you still owe us your vote. BECAUSE TRUMP.”
  • If you believe both major parties work in tandem to mutually benefit from the spoils of late-stage capitalism you are DEFINITELY a Russian Bot. Critical thinking skills unquestionably prove you have colluded with a foreign power because Americans aren’t capable of such. Ha! Gotcha Comrade!
  • You don’t see “comrade” as an insult, so you CLEARLY carry an autographed photo of Putin your wallet.
Really? Because this is definitely one of those “give him enough rope and he’ll hang himself” situations. Photo by unitedordie.org
  • You refuse to jump on the ridonkulous “Vote Blue No Matter Who” bandwagon but instead insist the Democratic Party produce worthwhile candidates. “But … Nooooo! Look — we’ll worry about the Progressive agenda … later! Because if you don’t vote for our Corporate Whore over their Evil Oligarch, the world will END. END I TELL YOU!”

Yeah. They’ll have to give me more incentive than the Apocalypse. Healthcare would be a nice start.

  • You wear a bearskin hat and glug down a half-gallon of vodka daily. No wait — that’s how to tell if you’re a Russian alcoholic. Sorry. Moving on.
  • Your most prized possession is your Vladdy Boy body pillow. Because nothing is sexier than a potato-faced fuckweasel. I know my toes are curling with delight (and a potassium deficiency).
Ooooh, baby. I’ll bet he smells like turnips. Photo by SouthFront. com
  • It’s your traitorous belief that people should vote for individual candidates with the best platforms no matter what letter follows their name. That’s what Commies do! (And all Commies are Russian. You heard it here first.)
And stop leaving them food outside! If you do that, they’ll NEVER go away! Photo by TigerDroppings.com
  • Are you an Independent? Loose cannon, automatic Russian bot.
  • You don’t think Stormy Daniels, one of the Marmalade Moron’s Botoxic dead-eyed whores, is the greatest American patriot since Benjamin Franklin(though Ben, that scamp, would have loved the fun-bags on that broad.)
  • You often find yourself wondering how Scooby and the Gang would handle the much propagandized Russia Investigation.
  • You laugh hysterically when you hear the word “meddling” and even harder at ‘foreign collusion.”

Yeah, you’re a bot all right.

And for this, dear comrade, you will be punished greatly. Probably by watching another Koch-Sucking Neo-liberal get the Democratic nomination. And when they lose, again, it will still be YOUR fault, BOT!

OK entire internet, YOU’RE GROUNDED, Mister!
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